We’ve all heard of the hero who’s faster than a locomotive. But what about the one who is a locomotive? Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Supers Who Are Not Human!
Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and Throg, the Frog What Is Thor, Presents:
TEN THINGS: TEN SUPERS WHO ARE NOT HUMAN!
10) WONDER WOMAN
An Amazon raised on the hidden stronghold of Paradise Island, Diana was sculpted from clay and brought to life by boons from the Greek gods, making her beautiful as Aphrodite, wise as Athena, strong as Hercules, and swift as Hermes. Raised by not only her mother, but all the Amazons, Princess Diana eventually left home for Man’s World, either to fight the Axis or to spread the philosophy of the Amazons to the crazy modern folk. Though her origin was altered by the Flashpoint paradox, modern Wonder Woman is still not entirely human, as her father is Zeus, making her half-god.
9) CHERNOBOG
The Slavic god of chaos, darkness, and the night, Чернобо is honestly quite evil. After being summoned to Earth and fighting the Incredible Hulk, he was recruited into the Winter Guard (presumably by fellow deity Perun, who has been serving with the team for years) during a time of great tension among the world’s various supers. During a clash with The Defenders of the Deep, Chernobog, and Perun came to blows over which would be the god to slay Namor, after which neither has been seen again.
Only time will tell if they got fired from the Winter Guard, or actually killed one another in their zest for battle.
8) MICHELANGELO
Canonically the youngest of four turtles who were exposed to mutagenic ooze in the sewers of New York, Michelangelo is humanoid, but has never been human. That hasn’t stopped him from becoming a skilled practitioner of ninjutsu, specializing in the nunchaku. It also hasn’t stopped from assaulting the English language by coining catchphrases like “Cowabunga!”, “Booyashakah!”, and “Reaganomics!”
His laid-back demeanor makes him my favorite of the Turtles, though Raphael is right up there, as I, myself, am mostly cool and occasionally rude.
7) MIRACLE MOLLY
A nouveau Batman foe for a new era of Gotham crime, Mary Kowalski burst onto the scene as a member of the Unsanity Collective, seemingly trying to help people deal with the trauma of living in a devastated hell mouth of scum and villainy. Mary’s loss of humanity is more metaphorical than others on today’s list, as she willingly erased her entire mind and history to join the Collective as a flash cyborg hacker. She even participated in a robbery at her former home during which her former husband recognized her, only for Miracle Molly to ignore him and continue with her crime.
6) ODIOUS
The faithful idiot dog of faithful idiot Jon Arbuckle, Odie lives a double life! When danger strikes, he transforms from dull-witted canine to dull-witted superhero, using his powerful Stun Tongue to strike foes, even yards away. Strong as the bag of hammers whose intellect he shares, Odious works with Garzooka, Starlena, and Abnermal to something something corporate synergy and also to punch evil!
He somehow has more accurate anatomy than nearly every member of Youngblood.
5) AJAK
The Prime Eternal of Earth-199999 (the Marvel Cinematic Universe), Ajak was created to serve as go-between between her people and Arishem The Celestial. Her mission to destroy all the Deviants was seemingly successful, leaving her at loose ends for several centuries, eventually coming to love the Earth and the puny humans on it. It was a decision that did not end well for her.
The comic book version of Ajak appeared in comics in a Caucasian male body, but chose a darker-skinned female body a couple of resurrections ago, because who wouldn’t look like Salma Hayek, given the chance?
4) MERCY SPARX
A full-blooded demon whose parents were part of that big rebellion in the Gospel of Luke, Mercy was just your average devling until a strange being in a pinstripe suit offered her a job. Dispatched to Earth, Mercy’s mission is the hunting and dispatching of rogue angels. It’s all just a pack of lies, mind you, which leads her into a chaotic struggle between life, death, and a very overworked tattoo artist, but it’s nice to have another comic book crush.
3) NAMORITA
The niece of Namor, the Sub-Mariner, Namorita Prentiss is an Atlantean mutant like him, with pink skin, ankle-wings for flight, and tremendous physical power. Seen here in her Blood-Code Carapace, a ceremonial armor worn when an Atlantean is sworn to kill an enemy, Nita has been through a lot in her time, including a couple of deaths that didn’t stick, but one of the most traumatic was the revelation that she was a clone of her mother, Namora. Since cloning is forbidden in Atlantean society, Namorita was treated as inhuman in-universe as well, eventually mutating into a strange blue form before dying for real (whatever that means in comics).
2) MASTER SHAKE
A giant living milkshake with hands (but, importantly, no arms), Master Shake’s origins are nebulous and subject to Negative Continuity. The legends say he was created by Doctor Weird, but even that’s just one in a whirlwind of in-jokes throughout his existence. Stupid, lazy, naive, lecherous, greedy, vain, and so lazy I had to mention it twice, Shake’s only real super-power is the ability to shoot milkshake from his straw, but he feels he is the leader of the Aqua Teen Hunger Force on those rare occasions that the idea is ever mentioned.
He once met Christopher Lambert, and has canonically died more than fifty times.
1) GALACTUS
The only survivor of the universe that existed before the Marvel Universe, Galan of Taa was once a humble scientist, living in a peaceful paradisiac world as his reality spun down to the end. Galan searched in vain for a way to save Taa, only to discover that death was inevitable. Before everything collapsed into a Big Crunch, the embodiment of that cosmos merged with Galan, allowing him to survive the end and emerge into the Seventh Cosmos as a cosmic being/force of nature, with a vast hunger driving him to consume entire worlds. It’s a tragic fate for a guy who just wanted to save his people.
Once again, this week’s topic, Ten Supers Who Are Not Human, is all me, but feel free to follow along @MightyKingCobra to suggest a topic of your own! There’s always more Ten Things madness on my Twitter or check out the full Twitter archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, especially since the very first real superhero was from another planet. Either way, the comments section is below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!
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