When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you dinosaurs on the production floor, you… Well, perhaps Jesús can tell you. Your Major Spoilers review of Assorted Crisis Events #2 from Image Comics awaits!

ASSORTED CRISIS EVENTS #2

Writer: Deniz Camp
Artist: Eric Zawadzki
Colorist: Jordie Belaire
Letterer: Hassan Otsmane-Elhaou
Publisher: Image Comics
Cover Price: $3.99
Release Date: April 16, 2025

Previously in Assorted Crisis Events: “Slaughterhouse 9-5!” What stalks the blood-soaked kill floor? A dizzying, heartbreaking, hallucinogenic trip through the endless slaughterhouse! Witness a man’s life cut up, ground down, and packaged for easy consumption!

TIME IS BREAKING DOWN

As Assorted Crisis Events #2 opens, we meet Jesús, a young man whose life is laid out before us. As a child, he was frightened by the dinosaurs in the museum. As a young man, he watched his father consumed by a life of drinking. As an adult, he took a job in the same slaughterhouse as his father, running “the knocker,” the machine that kills the cattle, shooting a bolt into their skulls. It’s the kind of job that can get inside one’s head, as he discovers the hard way. All along the tracks of Jesús’ life, a continuing theme is blood, and his phobia of it, generally ending with him fainting. As the flow of time moves around him, we also find that a series of tragedies has played out around him, including the unspeakable death of his father, which absolutely chills the (you should excuse the expression) blood.

REMINISCENT OF ICE CREAM MAN

As I read through this issue, I had two recurring thoughts. The first was how it reminded me of an issue of Ice Cream Man, exploring the existential horror of life in a world where terrible forces play with us all like toys. The other was that Jesús’ story is VERY wordy, with several different recurring phrases, as well as an entire gospel song that keeps wrapping back around. At one point, the company therapist jokes that our protagonist has “mommy issues,” something that would be fine if it weren’t one of the driving forces of the plot. As the multiple tracks come together, we get a visual representation of five versions of Jesús passing out in succession, which is a really neat effect, but one that telegraphed itself well in advance. I found the final pages quite touching and effective on an emotional level.

BOTTOM LINE: NOT QUITE THERE YET

The story of Jesús makes Assorted Crisis Events #2 a memorable comic, but one that I wish was more subtle in both its visuals and the way it reveals the secrets of one man’s life, but one that shakes down to 3 out of 5 stars overall. I’m still not sure what the book is actually “about,” but I am willing to give it a few more issues to see if I can unravel that mystery.

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