The year 2000 was a strange year at Marvel Comics. Let me apologize in advance for showing you exactly how. Your Major Spoilers Retro Review of X-Babies: Reborn #1 awaits!

X-BABIES: REBORN #1

Writer:  Ruben Diaz
Penciler: Juvaun Kirby
Inker: Kaleb Salstrom
Colorist: Juvaun Kirby
Letterer: Richard Starkings/Comicraft/Albert Dechesne
Editor: Bob Harras
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Cover Price: $3.50
Current Near-Mint Pricing:
Release Date: November 17, 1999

Previously in X-Babies: Reborn: Created from the genetic material of the X-Men, The X-Babies were a cash grab by alien television producer/overlord Mojo to corner the market on holographic drek. (He had already tested the waters by de-aging the actual X-Men, forcing the New Mutants to come and save them, in case you were wondering and/or preparing to correct me.) The group eventually constructed their Clubhouse for Gifted Youngsters in the Mojoworld, under the auspices of Charlie X, which is like when a ten-year-old babysits a group of five-year-olds, a terrifying prospect for anyone who has ever seen how stupid children can be. If you don’t understand why that concerns me, let’s go to the story proper, which begins with the children playing in their Danger Room. (The story calls it the “Danger Playpen,” but there’s only so much treacle a person can stomach at one time.)

The injury ends up being much worse than it seems, as Psychilde (UGH) has started to melt, her molecular structure disbalanced by a collision with Sugah, the clone of Rogue. As the X-Babies set out to find a cure for their insured member, Mojo is desperately searching for the Next Big Thing for his programming. His answer: “I’ll simply seize someone else’s idea… and MAKE IT BETTER!”

I think that’s supposed to be a joke, but given that it’s literally what this comic book is, it’s an example of how severely this book misses the mark.

Juvaun Kirby’s art has its moments of charm, but it’s also desperately aping Arthur Adams, feeling quite forced throughout the issue. The only other things I know Kirby from, New Dynamix and DV8, involve him strongly aping the styles of Jim Lee and J. Scott Campbell, respectively, so you have to at least admire someone that versatile. As Charlie X realizes that the only answer lies with Mojo, a team of X-Babies (Colossus, Nightcrawler, Rogue, Storm, Wolverine, and Shadowcat, all of whom have their own cutesy codenames) sets out for the center of Mojoworld, where Mojo’s “grand new idea” is waiting for them: The Mitey ‘Vengers.

Faced with Big Boy, Captain Amerikid, Hawkey, Iron Ace, Thunderson, and The Wisp, the X-Babies immediately resort to wacky violence, battling wildly, as Iron Ace grabs the MacGuffin and hightails it back to Mojo. The tiny heroes fight away (and it’s a little bit strange to see the flirting between toddler versions of Giant-Man and the Wasp), while Mojo discovers that even a clone of Tony Stark is a stubborn, contrarian jerk. The X-Babies and The ‘Vengers witness their creator threatening to beat him, causing them to join forces!

Iron Ace manages to disable the cloning device, which they have dubbed “The Babymaker,” and that’s the final straw for me in hoping this story is going somewhere entertaining. As Mojo prepares to kill them all, he is flummoxed by Shadowkitty, who got frightened and phased into his machine, destroying it. Psychilde’s body is repaired, coincidentally turning her into the Asian ninja version of Psylocke, The ‘Vengers renovate Mojo’s facility into their own clubhouse, and all is right with the world!

Well, mostly.

In an obvious sequel hook, we see Mojo’s latest masterstroke, baby versions of Apocalypse, a Brood, Bullseye, Doctor Doom, Doctor Octopus, Electro, Green Goblin, The Kingpin, Klaw, Kraven the Hunter, The Lizard, Mister Sinister, Mole Man, Molecule Man, Mysterio, Psycho-Man, The Punisher, Red Skull, The Sandman, Thanos, Ultron, Venom, and the Vulture.

None of them were ever seen again, save for cameos by Mister Sinister and Apocalypse in later tales.

Given how little joy I found reading this issue, knowing that X-Babies: Reborn #1 never got the sequel it was angling for is actually a little bit comforting, especially since it completely misses the fact that the original story was mocking the soullessness of Mojo’s creations, earning 1.5 out of 5 stars overall. As someone who loves comics, it’s rare to find one that’s 100% a chore to get through, but at least you know better than to read one if you encounter it in the wild.

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X-BABIES: REBORN #1

33%

33%

There Was NO Reason For This

A story about a soulless machine that churns out endless catchphrase nonsense characters, made by a soulless machine that churns out endless catchphrase nonsense characters.

This is just EXHAUSTING.

• Writing

  1
• Art

  5
• Coloring

  4
• User Ratings (0 Votes)
  0