All the best snacky cakes come in two packs, so get ready for a big delight in your SECOND bite of Ten Things Nerdery! Welcome to Ten Things: Ten (More) Hostess Ad Villains!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with the Hostess company, whose full-page ads were a staple of comic books from 1975 through 1982, Presents:

TEN THINGS: TEN (MORE) HOSTESS AD VILLAINS!

10) TRICLOPS

Since about 2005, Green Lantern Hal Jordan has been a divisive figure among comic fans, as creators have leaned into the worst, most overtly toxic tropes of masculinity, befitting a character whose relaunch was cribbed entirely from a VHS of “Top Gun.” When Triclops attacks, GL suddenly realizes that he forgot to charge his ring, and finds himself about to be eaten by what I assume is some sort of alien Shih-Tzu. Fortunately, a pair of passing kids loaded up on carbs before hiking, saving his life with golden sponge cake.

It’s a good thing, too, because Twinkies are yellow.

OPPONENT: Green Lantern of Sector 2814, Hal Jordan and his overconfidence
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies

9) ARTIE CHOKE

One of the best punny names in the history of history, Artie Choke and his compatriots Mari Gold and Rhoda Dendron (how did they miss Pete Moss?) were powerful enough to overpower the Hulk… for about a minute. As the thralls of the nefarious Cousin Betsy, it seems unfair for them to be locked up and taken away at the end of the ad. Then again, he isn’t named “Artie Hugginkiss.”

Sharp-eyed Spoilerites will recognize the work of X-Men legend Dave Cockrum on this one, something that’s kind cool, as I can’t recall a lot of Cockrum Hulk.

OPPONENT: The Incredible Hulk
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pie (Apple, Cherry & Lemon Varieties)

8) MONOTONY MAN

The Monotony Man may be the first of the Hostess villains that I feel could have made it in mainstream comics, especially given the neat visual trick of removing the color from his victims, making them visibly dull. Fortunately, Tony Stark’s red-and-gold armor is immune to such effects, and his family fortune can buy a whole lotta cupcakes.

I can’t find any confirmation of the artist on this one, but I keep staring at that Tony Stark head in panel two, and I feel like the penciller’s name is right on the tip of my tongue. Don Heck? Paul Kupperberg? I just can’t quite nail it down.

OPPONENT: The Invincible Iron Man
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Cup Cakes

7) GOLDIGGER

Reed Richards made two solo appearances for Hostess, and both were paeans to the deliciousness of a Hostess Twinkie, which makes me wonder if his team’s hiatus was related to the Hostess company’s bankruptcy in the 2010s. Either way, one look at Goldigger and I started to wonder if he wasn’t Lex Luthor undercover in the Marvel U, sort of like when Ultimate Mysterio turned out to be regular Mysterio hopping dimensions.

Either way, Sal Buscema draws a mean man of rubber.

OPPONENT: Mr. Fantastic
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies and a triflin’ friend, indeed

6) THE DING-A-LING FAMILY

Cosmic hillbillies in an intergalactic RV, The Ding-A-Lings (Ma, Pa, Auntie, Sister, Brother, Cousin Bee, Cousin Bye, and Gramma, who is clearly a part of May Reilly-Parker’s extended family) overpowered the God of Thunder, albeit partly by sheer confusion. Thankfully, their lack of teeth doesn’t keep them from enjoying a butter, fruit, and dough tart dream.

Marvel’s Hostess ads canonically take place on Earth-51914, with a few characters (notably the Icemaster) having counterparts on Earth-616, I firmly believe that the appearances of the Ding-A-Ling Family alongside the Silver Surfer are the originals, still haunting the spaceways until the chemical toilet gets full.

OPPONENT: Thor
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pie (Apple and Cherry Varieties)

5) THE LEGAL EAGLE

I won’t lie to you: Ralph Fake’s horrible human/raptor hybrid body gave me unpleasant nausea back in ’77, and I still get the screamin’ heebies looking at him today. I suppose that makes him successful, as villains go, but his antics to try and take over the White House and Supreme Court wouldn’t play in 2024.

Rich baddies in the 21st century just buy those particular branches of government, cutting out the middle (and the Spider-) man.

OPPONENT: The Spectacular Spider-Man
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Cup Cakes

4) THE BUREAUC-RAT

Another jerk trying to get his hands on the levers of government, if only to tie them up, the worst part about The Bureauc-Rat is having to remember how to spell “bureaucrat” in the first place. This particular ad is one of the first where the internal logic (if you can call it that) of the Hostess Cinematic Universe started to break down, as Barry Allen could easily have just unwrapped Central City between beats of Bureauc-Rat’s heart.

That said, it’s nice to see Curt Swan drawing The Flash, a far-too-rare joy in comics, even back in 1981.

OPPONENT: The Flash
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pie (Apple & Cherry Varieties)

3) THE CHAIRMAN

With a gun that can transform humans into chairs, with no mention of any way to reverse it, The Chairman (whose Earth-616 counterpart was later given the name Windsor Glastonbury, because Buckingham Pendragon was deemed too subtle) may be the most nightmare-inducing of the harmless Hostess hooligans.

And are these the same pair of Twinkie-slinging schoolchildren that saved Green Lantern’s life a year later and/or seven entries ago?

In my mind, they absolutely are.

OPPONENT: The Splendiferous Spider-Man
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies

2) JOHNNY PUNK

The Man Without Fear made six appearances on Earth-51914, and it seems like half of them featured villains named Johnny. Johnny Punk’s pedigree isn’t as cool as Baby Face Johnny with his John Romita Jr. art or even the breathtakingly weird sight of Gil Kane drawing Johnny Clymbe’s attempt to… Actually, I don’t know what the hell Johnny Clymbe was up to.

I forget where this was going, but at least Johnny Punk had a long career as “the one guy with the green mohawk in every ’80s street gang.”

OPPONENT: Daredevil
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pie (Apple & Cherry Varieties)

1) JUNE JITSUI

Another Hostess antagonist who made her way into the mainstream Marvel Universe, June (whose Earth-616 counterpart was named June Hayashi) shook down the Webhead on his way back from the deli, which meant that he just happened to have a few packs of Twinkies to deter her with. The question of what he would have done without them is probably answered by his genius intellect, superhuman speed, agility, strength, quasi-psionic powers, self-built web-shooters, and that thing where he disappeared into a cocoon, then reemerged and shed his skin, getting additional powers like fangs and claws.

But we don’t talk about that last one.

OPPONENT: Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies

Once again, this week’s topic is all mine, but feel free to follow along on social media to suggest a topic of your own! There’s always more Ten Things madness on my Twitter (the artist formerly known as X) or check out the full Ten Things Nerdery archive here! As with any set of items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, even if this is the last one.

Either way, the comments section is below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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