Some folks are born silver spoon in hand, but not everybody has those star-spangled eyes. In fact, a few of our favorite supers are all about the luck, and it’s all bad. Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Bad Luck Supers!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and Tyche, Greek goddess of fortune, Presents:

TEN THINGS: TEN BAD LUCK SUPERS!

10) LIGHTNING LAD

The original hard-luck hero, Garth Ranzz got his powers in a ridiculous accident, and things just got worse from there. His brother went mad, an alien space whale destroyed his arm, and he was the first Legionnaire to die in the line of duty. He got a lucky break when that demise didn’t take, but that was followed up by a kidnapping at his own wedding, a disastrous tenure as Legion leader that included a bout with mental illness, and the kidnapping of one of his newborn sons by Darkseid. By his mid-30s, Garth was permanently disabled by a strange virus, and the only way forward was to reboot the entire continuity.

9) AUNTIE ANTE

A South Korean superhero in the Marvel Universe, Auntie Ante (real name unrevealed) is a member of Tiger Division, the country’s official super team. Thanks to her magical deck of cards, Auntie Ante can create a number of mystical effects, including the ability to fly, alter probability, and more. When she’s not protecting the republic, our hero (now renamed Lady Bright, an upgrade of nom de guerre that we have to consider quite lucky) can be found at various gambling tables, and is well-known for her skill and unusual win/loss ratio.

Given that she has magical cards, I wonder how she’s still allowed to play?

8) MIRROR MONARCH

An empowered police officer from the 25th Century, Mirror Monarch (real name unrevealed) will have used the modus operandi of long-dead super-villain, Mirror Master. A member of the official anti-Reverse Flash task force known as The Renegades, Monarch must have accidentally broken one of his signature weapons, as he was unceremoniously bumped off in his first appearance. The rest of the Renegades, each of whom uses the gimmick of one of Barry Allen’s Rogues Gallery, followed the trail of evidence to find that the killer was apparently The Flash himself. That’s when things got weird.

7) EL GATO

A native of Spanish Harlem in NYC, Luis Anaya was a neighborhood brujo who dispensed advice, fortunes, and homeopathic remedies that did little to nothing. When one of his “patients” died of heart disease, he tried to collect from her granddaughter, only to come up against the mysterious costumed hero Omega The Unknown. He possessed enough magical ability to fight off Omega’s alien powers, thanks to his bad luck magicks, but was eventually overcome by the hero. His would-be blackmail victim then branded him with an upside version of his own sigil, sealing off his power and shattering his mind.

6) DONNA TROY

The various Donnas of the multiverse have a run of outrageous fortune that makes Lightning Lad’s look like an afternoon pedicure that ended with a tiny scratch on one toe. That’s a thing, right? Bygones. On Earth-22, the world of Kingdom Come, Donna’s superhero career ended with her giving her Darkstar uniform to her son. For reasons related only to visual presentation, she ages much less gracefully than her mentor, Wonder Woman, or even her fellow Teen Titans. As a chunky fifty-year-old, I want to make it clear that there’s nothing wrong with looking like a chunky fifty-year-old, but when Batman looks like Gregory Peck and the slightly older NIghtwing could pass as late thirties, it just seems unfair.

Oh, and also, she dies horribly in a nuclear explosion at the end. Hashtag spoilers, I guess.

5) MILDRED

Initially encountered by readers as one of the Three Witches, hosting The Witching Hour horror anthology, Mildred and her sisters were later revealed to be avatars of the Kindly Ones. (We don’t say the “f” word. No, not that one. Well, actually, we don’t say that one either. But it’s the one that rhymes with “Your-ee”.) As the Hecateae, Mildred, Modred, and Cynthia are the weavers of fate and fortune, knitting the strands of our lives, good luck and bad.

Of course, as Morpheus found out the hard way, those who spill the blood of their own family will find Mildred to be bad luck as well… the fatal kind.

4) WATER LILY

A minor ace in the Wild Cards universe, Jane Lillian Dow (pronounced “doe”) was a sweet young woman who came to New York in search of fame and fortune. Instead, she found a hailstorm of horrors that even her hydrokinetic powers couldn’t stave off. Immediately upon arrival in the big city, Water Lily was kidnapped as part of a prophecy to bring on the end of the world. She found a job at Aces High, a four-star restaurant, but was then possessed by a psychic parasite who forced her to commit a number of acts, up to and exceeding murder, and then suffered through an extended period of “withdrawal.” After that, she was infected with a new strain of Wild Card virus that gave her a second power: The ability to cure other victims of the virus, but only by having sex with them.

Naturally, once that power became public knowledge, Water Lily was forced to disappear. Her whereabouts are unknown.

3) PRODIGY

A hero whose history is so littered with tragedy that it has a name (“The Ol’ Parker Luck”), Prodigy only exists because Peter Parker cannot catch a break. Framed for murder as Spider-Man, Peter created not one, but FOUR temporary identities to allow him to continue operating and clear his name. Wearing a bulletproof uniform and a powersuit that allowed him to fly, Spider-Man used his own strength to simulate Iron Man-style power armor. After he was able to return to his webs, the Prodigy armor was handed off to another user, though it was enhanced with infernal power at that point.

It’s a long story.

2) 13

After a life riddled with terrible events tied to the number 13, Harold Higgins chose to turn his bad luck good by punching evil. After embracing his awful history as the hero Thirteen, Harold found his life turned around, and his dark fortune was visited on his enemies. Though it’s never 100% clear that he has actual luck powers, Thirteen was an effective crimefighter and was feared by criminals who believed he was an ill omen. Eventually, he even took on a crimefighting sidekick, codenamed Jinx.

1) CONSTANTINE

No one has ever outright proven that John Constantine’s use of magic, dark and light, is the reason that so many of his friends die horribly, but it’s crystal-clear to anyone who observes his life for more than a few minutes. Plagued by calamity since he was in the womb (where, it should be noted, he strangled his twin to death before his mother died giving birth to him), Constantine has generally escaped the consequences of his actions, but his friends, lovers, family, and teammates have not. Beneath his roguish, devil-may-care Liverpudlian avuncularity is a soul tortured with guilt so profound that it might kill a lesser man.

Plus, that one time, he was played by a dark-haired American thirty-year-old with a Southern California accent, despite being British, blonde, and forty-something.

Once again, this week’s topic, Ten Bad Luck Supers, is all me, but feel free to follow along on social media to suggest a topic of your own! There’s always more Ten Things madness on my Twitter (the artist formerly known as X) or check out the full Ten Things Nerdery™ archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, if only because the life of a superhuman is full of coincidence, contrivance, and bad karma. Either way, the comments section is below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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