The great philosopher Pete Townshend once said, “We’ve got to fool the fools, we got to plan the plans. We got to rule the rules, we got to stand the stands. Gotta face the face, baby.”

Some people, though, don’t have that luxury. Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Faceless Supers!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and Saturnian bounty hunter Chun Yull, Presents:

TEN THINGS: TEN FACELESS SUPERS!

10) ACROYEAR

The crown prince of the Acroyears, birth name unrevealed, Acroyear was born on the day a comet flew over, marking him as some sort of Chosen One. This made him a target for aspiring dictator Baron Karza, who imprisoned him and forced him to fight in gladiatorial combat. That’s a rookie mistake, and one that proved to be fatal for Karza when Acroyear busted out with a few other rebel-types, forming the core of The Micronauts.

The real question is: “ACK-roe-yeer” or “Uh-CROY-er”?

The world may never know.

9) THE QUESTION

Also on the list of history’s great mysteries: Why in the world the New 52 chose to use the name and aspect of Steve Ditko’s Objectivist vigilante for a magical rando with ties to The Phantom Stranger and no coherent back story? This Question was captured by the most powerful wizards in existence, alongside The Phantom Stranger (who, in this continuity, was Judas Iscariot) and Pandora (who was… uh… Pandora. But the one with the box of sins, not the one with the streaming audio.) The Question’s unspoken sin was never revealed.

Then again, given that not even his creators seemed to care what it was, his disappearance and replacement by a new iteration of Vic Sage was unsurprising.

8) THE MYSTERY PILGRIM

One possible explanation was that Geoff Johns was once again riffing on someone else’s idea, in this case, one of Grant Morrison’s. Flex Mentallo was brought to life by the wishes of a young boy, but Wally Sage was in fact tapping into a greater consciousness, connecting himself to a world that no longer was and channeling superhumans who escaped the destruction of their world by making themselves fictional. The Mystery Pilgrim sold his face in return for arcane secrets, allowing him to aid Flex in assisting Wally in figuring out… something? It’s a very unusual story,

But you knew that as soon as I said “Grant Morrison.”

7) SPLIT SCREEN

The existence of The Robonic Stooges, a Hanna-Barbera cartoon imagining Vaudeville trio Larry, Moe, and Curly as cyborg superheroes, is less mystery than it might seem, as the answer is “*$$$.” Forty-five years after that, the Robonic Stooges returned in comic-book form, then went on to parody Marvel Super-Heroes Secret Wars, giving us the first view of the TV-headed Split-Screen. Established as heroic allies of The Robonic Stooges, I’m not 100% clear on their powers, but I think they’re probably members of Prince Robot IV’s race.

6) OGUN

A member of The Whiz Kids, a Teen-Titans-inspired young super-team in the pages of Big Bang Comics, Jorge (surname unrevealed, far as I can tell) was at an underground party when all hell literally broke loose, and he ended up possessed by an ancient god. His shape-shifting powers are more than a little bit disturbing to look at, but given the tendency of Whiz Kids to die horribly, he’s among the lucky ones.

5) DIRECTOR NONE

A former member of W.A.N.D. (the Wizardry/Alchemy/Necromancy Department, a sub-group of SHIELD, Director None’s real name is unknown. As the leader of the Blasphemy Cartel, the Director turned a Blockchain crypto scheme into a digital spell to generate dead souls that he could then place in human hosts and control. Though Doctor Strange was dead at the time, his wife Clea, the Sorcerer Supreme of The Dark Dimension, opposed the Cartel, eventually joining with her husband to dispel Director None once and for all.

He was only MOSTLY dead, you see, which means he was partly alive.

4) STITCH

The apprentice of Doctor Fate, Stitch apparently started their life as a rag doll, somehow given life by unexplained magic. Upon arriving at Titans Academy, Stitch began learning not only how to be a hero, but how to be a human being. After using their powers to save bystanders during a particularly dangerous situation, Stitch found themselves one of the most liked students at the Academy, unexpectedly being elected class president before falling prey to the worst menace in the DC Universe: A change in editorial direction that canceled the 5G/Future State initiative before it ever happened.

3) THE SKYCRAWLER

A hero in the world of My Hero Academia, Koichi Haimawari was once the hero called Nice Guy. WIth a quirk he calls “Slide and Glide”, he can move effortlessly across any surface. After adventuring as the vigilante The Crawler, Koichi is now the full-fledged partner of Captain Celebrity, with a new name and an updated costume that isn’t just an All-Might Hoodie.

Tim Gunn would approve.

2) WILDFIRE

After being torn apart atom by atom and having his consciousness subsumed into anti-energy, Drake Burroughs is forced to exist inside special containment suits. Though each varies somewhat, which also means that his abilities and power levels vary, all of them feature a featureless blue faceplate. Sometimes it’s a square, other times it’s a fishbowl, and sometimes it’s just a rounded window, but regardless, it’s kind of amazing how angry and how expressive Wildfire can be without anything resembling expressions.

1) KOALA KOMMANDER

A villain of Earth-65, the home of Spider-Gwen (AKA Spider-Woman AKA Ghost Spider), Koala Kommander is a loving tribute to Cobra Commander, the feckless leader of Cobra from the 1990s G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero Cartoon. If training koalas to be evil is wrong, who wants to be right?

Once again, this week’s topic, Ten Faceless Supers, is all me, but feel free to follow along @MightyKingCobra to suggest a topic of your own! There’s always more Ten Things madness on my Twitter or check out the full Twitter archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, if only because there are only so many different ways one can configure a mask or a helmet. Either way, the comments section is below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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