Objection! Overruled… but you’d better be going somewhere with this, counselor. Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Super Attorneys!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and The Advocate, lawyer to the superheroes, Presents:

TEN THINGS: SUPER ATTORNEYS!

10) THE RED BEE

The assistant DA of Superior City, Oregon, Rick Raleigh created his costumed identity to get those criminals whom he could not reach in his day job. With his stinger gun, two strong fists and the ability to control bees, The Red Bee is very much a hero of his times, with his 1940 debut more influenced by pulp archetypes than those new-fangled superheroes, and his presence on any “WORST HEROES EVER LOLFAIL” list is a sure sign of the ignorance of said list’s creator.

Bank on it, Faithful Spoilerites.

9) VANGE WHEDON

I’m not a big fan of the term “Mary Sue”, given it’s misuse in bad faith accidents, but Evangeline Whedon seems to fit the traditional definition of the term. A respected attorney who is also a sexy goth who is also a super-powerful dragon metamorph mutant, her first appearance revealed her as a longtime (albeit unseen and retconned) member of the X-Men supporting cast, as a mover and shaker in the Mutant Rights League.

She makes a mighty fine dragon, though…

8) GARBAGE MAN

Gotham City barrister Richard Morse was the counsel for Titan Pharmaceuticals, an conglomerate whose experiments and unethical behavior kept him quite busy. When he was sent to investigate the allegations, Richard was kidnapped and used as a guinea pig for experimental drugs which transformed him into a strange, toxic monster. (He’s somewhere between Swamp Thing and The Toxic Avenger, with the poisonous touch that such a life implies.) As Garbage Man, he set out to avenge himself not only on Titan but on his own corrupt bosses, who intentionally sent him undercover to get rid of him.

7) JUSTICER BULL

A member of the extradimensional Captain Britain Corps, Cassandra Bull hails from Earth-23238, where she IS the law, with her judgment as prosecutor, jury and executioner inspiring Dredd among the populice. Encountering Excalibur during their long journey between dimensions (the “Cross-Time Caper”), she initially seized the team and their universe-spanning train, only to be defeated by a semantic argument long enough for the team to escape.

6) ICON

Rocketed to Earth after a pleasure cruise gone wrong, Arnus’ DNA was altered to duplicate the first creature he encountered, a woman named Miriam. Sadly, it was 1839 on a cotton plantation, which meant that Arnus, now dubbed Augustus Freeman, was raised as the child of slaves. As he grew, he repeatedly faked his death and returned as his own son to mask his slow aging, eventually marrying and becoming a respected attorney. When Raquel Irvin broke into his home to rob him, she discovered his superhuman abilities and convinced him to done cape and mask to become the superman that the world needed.

5) THE LAUGHING MASK

Also known to adventure as The Purple Mask, Assistant DA Dennis Burton is best known for donning a phosphorescent comedy mask and bringing justice with twin .45 caliber pistols. Perfectly willing to kill in the line of duty, Dennis’ career was cut short when he was put in suspended animation in 1945. Awakening decades later, Burton tried to return to action, only to find his past catching up with him, as he was prosecuted for murders committed during his early years.

4) THE HULK

Best known as the emerald She-Hulk, Jennifer Walters was critically injured in an attack by Thanos, awakening to find her cousin Bruce Banner had been killed. She gave up her heroic career, but found herself plagued by uncontrollable transformations into a traumatized, childlike Gray Hulk persona. She has overcome her grief and fear, but still maintains a bulkier, low-intelligence She-Hulk state, now back in her traditional green form as a front-line member of The Avengers.

3) BETTY BATES, LADY-AT-LAW

A resourceful lawyer, skilled detective and crusading district attorney, Betty Bates didn’t let being a woman slow her down in the “punching out evil” category. A member of the Quality Comics stable, Betty’s 1940 debut makes her one of the earliest female leads in comics history, and her 10-year-run in Hit Comics is still impressive today.

Do not mess with her. She knows jiu-jitsu, and she bites.

2) THE TWO-GUN KID

Matt Hawk (later retconned as Matthew Leibowitz) got his law degree from Harvard, then moved to the frontier town of Tombsone, Texas post-Civil War. Creating his masked identity to track down a gang of thugs that terrorized his new home. Very much a proto-superhero, The Two-Gun Kid ended up involved in a number of #TimeTravelShenanigans adventures, eventually ending up as a bounty hunter during the events of the first superhero Civil War.

If all the stories are expected to be canon, he ends up back in the past to die in 1938, having passed his mask and guns on the Golden Age superhero called The Angel.

1) ROBIN

On the world of Earth-2, Batman’s first adventure actually took place in 1939, rather than the usual sliding timescale, and Richard Grayson grew up to become an attorney by the 1970s. After his Batman’s retirement, he adopted a spectacularly garish uniform honoring his former mentor before returning to more traditional red-and-yellow gear in his sixties. Sadly, Grayson was killed in action by the Anti-Monitor’s shadow demons during the waning hours of the Crisis on Infinite Earths.

This week’s Ten Things topic is all me, but free to follow along @MightyKingCobra on Twitter to suggest your own Ten Things madness or check out the full Twitter archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, especially since something like 40% of Golden Age heroes were described as “the district attorney” in their secret identities. Either way, the comments section is below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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