Review: Buffy The Vampire Slayer – Season 8 #15

Or – “In Which Several Relationships Come To Unpleasant Ends…”

In her relatively short life, Buffy Summers has dated a lot of inappropriate people.  Parker, the jackass frat boy.  Riley, the useless super-soldier with no personality what-so-fricking-ever.  Angel, a former mass murdering vampire.  Spike, a…  completely different former mass-murdering vampire.  (Y’know, for a while there, it seemed she thought her hereditary title was “Vampire LAYER,” nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean? Eh?  Eh?)  So, I don’t understand why anyone is troubled by Buffy’s latest choice of paramour…  After all, it’s not as though she’s known for being romantically level-headed.  In this issue, choices are made, lives are changed, and the issue of whether or not her sapphic tryst was just a one-night-stand is finally put to rest.

Previously, on Buffy The Vampire Slayer – Season 8:   Buffy Summers has been through a lot recently, with her cadre of slayers coming under constant attack by enemies old (Warren the murderous wretch and Amy the treacherous witch) and new (a conspiracy called Twilight, led by a super-powered bastard by the same name) as well as learning a few things along the way.  Willow has revealed that she’s protecting HER girlfriend, while Xander has been tenuously trying to court HIS girlfriend, but both are flummoxed to the core when Buffy ends up bedding HER girlfriend.  Of course, Buffy having sex is the equivalent of Vincent Vega going to the bathroom: something horrific is about to happen.  In this case, Buffy’s castle keep is invaded by Japanese vampires with powers seen only in the legendary Dracula, who then manage to steal her scythe (which isn’t a scythe) intending to use it to power a reversal spell that will take out ALL the slayers at once.  Buff and company (accompanied by the aforementioned Dracula) have come hard and serious, only to get stabbed in the back…

…literally.  Xander’s new ladyfriend Renee is impaled upon Buffy’s own mystical weapon, and falls to the ground.  We see her perspective for a moment as she realizes that she’s dying, and focuses in on the only thing that matters: Xander Harris.  “I can’t hear what he’s saying…  Why can’t I… Oh, god…  I’m not ready…  I hope he knows…  I never got to tell him…  Xander.  I’m not ready…”  Renee collapses, and the Slayers leap into action against the vampires of Tokyo.  Buffy is frozen for a moment, until Dracula roars that she needs to get Willow.  Buffy screams back that she can’t leave Xander alone, and in a weirdly touching moment, the Lord of Vampires bares his teeth, and growls, “He’s NOT alone.” Leaping into action, Drac becomes a whirlwind of murderous rage, all teeth and claws, killing their enemies a handful at a time.  Buffy head out to find Willow…

…who is entwined in a fight of her own, with Kumiko, the sorceress of the vampire clan.  She smashes Willow into a wall, boasting of her prowess, but is surprised when Willow grabs her back, and mystically reads her mind.  What Willow sees is a serpentine goddess, who promises to find her, and causes the witch to lose consciousness.  They careen through the skies of Tokyo, as a terrified Buffy closes her eyes and jumps down at them.  She manages to spike Kumiko from behind, but ends up falling with Willow towards the ever-growing concrete jungle below.  The slayers below find themselves on the losing end of the first salvo, and start to panic before a giant Converse smashes into the pavement.  “We don’t run!” commands Dawn Summers, and rallies them into an attack…

…before taking a steel fistinnaface!  “Oh my god!  They built a Mecha-Dawn!”  Heh.  The vampire’s leader watches from his rooftop perch, remarking, “There’s something you don’t see every day.”  The vamps begin their ritual, preparing to reverse the slayers’ powers forever, before they realize that they can hear screaming.  As if on cue, Dracula burst through the door, grabbing the head vampire and knocking the weapon away from him.  Satsu retrieves the scythe, while Willow and Buffy crash into the sidewalk… which transforms into water.  They watch Satsu falling towards them, calmly discussing Buffy’s recent foray into bisexuality.  “I never wanted to sleep with you, either,” says Willow, explaining that Buffy isn’t even on her list.  “What list?  There’s a list?” asks Buffy, and Willow tells her that she’s not even Willow’s type.  Buff tries to cover, saying that her list has people like Eleanor Roosevelt before trailing off into embarrassment.  “We should probably go catch Satsu now,” says Willow, and I crack up yet again.

They grab the girl, and fly back up to the rooftop, but the inconsiderate villains keep turning to mist.  Dracula AGAIN saves the day, offering up his own sword and telling Willow which spell to use to take away their shifter powers.  A burst of white hot light envelops the city, and the vampires are just standard issue bloodsuckers again.  Meanwhile, Dawn fights her steel doppelganger, and is frustrated to find herself outmatched for once.  “My name is Dawn.  I am a teenage girl,” monotones the creature, and Dawn screams back, “Then why do you have a tail?”  “I like blue jeans.  And irony.”  HA!  Suddenly, Dawn hears a voice on her communicator.  “Most mecha creatures are susceptible to forced detachment of the control center…  You should be able to defeat it through simple decapitation,” cries Andrew from atop another building.  When asked how he knows, Andrew replies, “Hi.  Have you MET me?”  Hee.  Dawn grabs for the creature’s head as the monster continues to monologue.  “I cry a lot.  I often let boys take advantage of my weak emotional states.”  Dawn rips the creatures head off, screaming “I do not!”  Best Godzilla reference ever.

One of the vampires grabs Buffy, preparing to bit her, remarking that she must taste sweet.  “You have no idea,” says Satsu as she stakes him into dust.  “I can’t believe I just said that aloud.” This dialogue is wonderful.  The head vampire angrily confronts Dracula, stealing the Vampire Lord’s blade.  “Just like an old man.  Needs his cane to stand…  Doesn’t know what to do with himself now that he’s an ordinary vampire again.”  Drac lets the whippersnapper make his feeble attack, but spins out of the way at the last moment, grabbing his blade back.  Within the space of a second, he cuts off the vampires hands and severs both his legs at the knee!  As the readers utter a collective ‘Holy Crap!,’ Dracula snarls back, “I was NEVER an ordinary vampire…  I’ve killed more men than all god’s plagues COMBINED.  And that was BEFORE I started eating people for fun…  The vampire’s the least of your concerns.  It’s the old man you need to worry about.”  That, my friends…  is hardcore.

The head vampire whines that Dracula can’t leave him like this, crippled and useless.  “Finish me… You owe me that honor.”  But Drac knows it’s not HIS kill, stepping aside, and handing the blade to Xander.  “You know NOTHING about honor,” he intones, as Xan dusts the man who killed his girl.  Buffy and her girls sweep through the streets, killing all the vampires they can find, as the story cuts ahead to the next night.  Dracula (dressed like Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka) offers to help Xander with his goodbye ceremony, but Xan declines.  “Goodbye, manservant,” says Drac, and prepares to leave.  Xander replies, “Hey, Dracula…  If you call me manservant again, I’ll kill you in your sleep.”  Nice moment for both men.  Satsu and Buffy, for their part, agree that they have to part ways, with Satsu staying home in Tokyo to lead the field office there… but not before another evening of sapphic passion, of course.  Go, girl/girl!  Whoo!  The issue ends with Xander pouring Renee’s ashes out, and a cut to black…

This issue moves from the first second, but unlike many last chapters, it manages to satisfy during it’s non-stop action.  The murder of Renee is a huge shock, but not nearly as much as Dracula’s Bad Motha #*$@er moment later in the issue.  Willow and Buffy’s conversation about “experimenting” is beautiful and funny, and even Xander gets a tough-guy moment within.  George Jeanty once again rocks the art, giving us some way cool battle sequences and a mecha-Dawn who looks hysterically like Michelle Trachtenberg.  Drew Goddard nails the Buffy-isms, gives Xander steel without negating his humor, and ends the Buffy/Satsu love affair with style and even a bit of dignity.  The best part of this issue is the feeling that it’s both a pretty damn great comic and a well-done episode of Buffy at the same time.  I give it 4.5 out of 5 stars, with the only disappointment coming in the fact that the promising Renee/Xander relationship died when she did…  Still, and all, if that’s my worst complaint, you know it’s a good book.