New Avengers #34

Or – “Apparently, They Want To Torture Us For A Couple Of Years…”

Okay… I had intended to have this up this a.m. as a morning-of review, but a doctor’s visit for the daughter shot that notion right innaface. Mea culpa. Events in New Avengers and Mighty Avengers have been moving at a glacial pace, with each book managing to different levels of effect to tap-dance around not telling us a dozen different plot points. Add to that the compressed storytelling techniques that mean the last ten months of comics took place in approximately the time it takes me to eat a bowl of Special K, and we’ve got a recipe for tsuris, and we may not see any real updates on the Skrullapalooza until next spring. Luckily, the patented Brian Bendis character interaction is in effect, and our team is a mighty compelling group of personalities…

Previously, on New Avengers: In the wake of the battle with the Mighty Avengers (itself in the wake of Civil War which came in the wake of the revelation that SHIELD was infiltrated which came in the wake of Secret War, et al) the New Avengers traveled to Japan to extricate Maya Lopez, codename Echo, from her undercover gig in the Yakuza. In so doing, the team ran afoul of The Hand, a bug$*$@ crazy sect of assassins led by undead Greek ninja (and former Daredevil girlfriend) Elektra Natchios. Lopez was killed and resurrected by magic, and her psycho-killer (que’st que c’est?) rage caused her to run Elektra through, revealing that she wasn’t the real deal, but a Skrull who had infiltrated the world. Returning home, an EMP caused by Ultron over in Mighty Avengers caused the plane to crash (and also caused my continuity sensor to overload) and Spider-Woman snatched the corpse and ran off to the Initiative (or possibly her Skrullian masters, assuming she isn’t what she seems.) Since then, the New A’s have gone back to their lives, agreeing that if they get their heads on straight, they’ll all come back the next night… Wolverine, for his part, goes to get drunk, and ends up facing down with The Hood, who has designs on being the next Kingpin of the superhuman underworld.

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Parker, Parker, Parker… didn’t anybody ever tell you about counting your chickens? Yeesh… Wolverine leaps in, catching a few bullets in so doing, and The Hood replies by SHOOTING HIM IN THE UNMENTIONABLES. Seriously. Wolverine just got his junk shot off! His reply? “Mine’ll grow back. Yours, on the other hand…” Heh. But before he can initiate the Hood’s bris, we get another surprise thrown at us.

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What in the HOLY GERMAN CHOCOLATE WITH CHEESE SAUCE is that???? The Hood Demon chucks Wolverine away, then leaps through the plate glass window and returns to his human form… Did anybody know he could do that? Anybody? That was incredibly disturbing, and the demon thing was rough, too. Wolverine doesn’t follow, as he’s in no condition to fight anyway, and steals a couple of beers, one to drink, and one to ice his wounds. “Maybe it’ll grow back bigger.” I can’t decide whether I like that line or not… On the one hand, it’s definitely bordering on cool-guy line territory, but on the other it’s a bit crass. Still, Wolverine isn’t the only one who needs time to think, as Doctor Strange and his new paramour the Night Nurse have taken some time to… uh… unwind.

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I like this scene. It really humanizes Doctor Strange, and makes it obvious that the Oath limited series is in continuity (even with all the problems that it might cause.) I also like that Strange wants to show off his new girlfriend (especially after the conversation in Illuminati #4) to his buddies. Of course, the fact that Night Nurse looks just like Jessica Jones sort of brings me down, just a bit. Downstairs, Ronin/Hawkeye is in the shower when Echo accidentally walks in on him… She’s a bit stunned, staring at the naked man, while Hawk takes a moment to process, before telling her “In or out.” Heh. Cool as a cucumber, our Hawkeye. Later that evening, Doctor Strange and Iron Fist have a brief conversation about recent events in the I.F. title, with Danny asking if Steven can keep anyone from sharing his power again like Orson Randall did. Strange immediately reminds him that the Iron Fist, like his own title of Sorceror Supreme, is a traveling title, and that someone will come along to supercede both of them, eventually. “Someone younger, someone more handsome…” Danny replies, and Strange says it’s possible. “I hate them already,” replies the Fist. Heh. Suddenly, a voice calls out, “I’m a Skrull!”

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“Right?” Luke turns to face his wife, a very angry and very formidable woman, and Jessica insists that he tell the truth. Luke tries to get her to stop, to not do this in front of the team, but Jessie isn’t having it. “My husband thinks I’m a Skrull… He thinks his baby is a half-Skrull baby. He is taking his very honorable and very lovable feelings of inadequacy about being a husband and father and he’s twisting them into this very dark place…” Luckily, the doctor has a plan: a spell that will reveal each of the Avengers’ true natures, but unfortunately, it will be a spell visible to everyone, and all of them will see one another’s truths as well. Jessica says to hit the spell, reminding Luke that his daughter needs a father, and Spider-Man laughs that they need to name the kid. “We did name her,” replies Luke.

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Again with mocking the booties? They’re the official combat shoes of the Iron Fist, dammit, they’re not slippers! Always messing with the classics, aren’t they. Doctor Strange takes Jessica’s advice to “toss some dry ice in a pot” and kicks in with the magic, and we see the true, inner essences of the Avengers (and finally get an explanation for this issue’s cover.)

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In return for the booties mocking, Iron Fist takes a good shot at Luke’s yellow silk shirt, Spider-Man finds that he thinks of himself as a geeky teenager while Echo and Ronin’s selves cause some consternation. Also, they’re once again hinting that only Hawkeye has what it takes to replace Captain America… Wolverine wanders in at just the right time with the news of of his interaction with young Parker Robbins (though not talking about his recent emasculation.) Once again, Yu’s women scare me, with Jessica’s alter-self’s flying pose falling into the realm of ‘just plain wrong.’ Wolverine is satisfied to see his pals all back, and doubly happy to find that nobody is a Skrull…

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While he gives everyone the 411, Luke and Jessica make up in the most adorable way possible… “You sorry for doing that silent treatment crap with me that you promised you wouldn’t do?” Luke replies that he is, and she apologizes for embarassing him in front of his super-buddies, and he replies (after a kiss) that she looked good in the tights. “You’ll never have sex again in your life” is her reply… The team decides that even though Tony Stark will probably arrest them for showing their faces, they must get involved, that the heroic thing to do would be go out anyway. Unfortunately, it ain’t Deathlok…

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Oh, crap! Venom, Venom everywhere, and Echo just got schlorped! This is probably not going to be good. I believe that this story will be tying into Mighty Avengers after Issue #7 (which, at this rate, should be out in 2009 sometime) bringing our teams together, and hopefully finally ending this whole Civil War fallout crap once and for all.

With Mighty Avengers, I find myself enjoying the art (cheesecakey though it is) and wanting to whack the writer in the head. With New Avengers, it feels like a completely different person is putting the book together, as the writing this issue is top-notch (with tons of interpersonal brilliance including the beginnings of what may be an attraction between Echo and Hawkeye) but the art is once again annoying me. The weird red fleshy bits around everyone’s eyes give me the screamin’ heebies, and while the cover was pretty impressive, the interiors have again hit the chicken-scratch level. Still, the story was good, showing the emotional core of the Avengers, giving us a peek into their secret inner lives and selves, and also finally showing us WHY these people stick together, so I can’t be too down on it. For a few wonderful moments of Bendis dialogue, a surprise involving the Hood, as well as the achievement of basically talking all issue without feeling padded, New Avengers #34 earns a nicely done 3 out of 5 stars…