Time, time, time… See what’s become of our favorite heroes! Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Alternate Timelines!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and SPOILERS AHOY!, Presents:

TEN THINGS: TEN ALTERNATE TIMELINES!

10) THE ONE WHERE THE FLASH RUINED EVERYTHING

Awakening in an alternate reality, Barry Allen finds that the entire world has changed and that his parents are both alive. He enlists the assistance of Batman, only to discover that the entire timeline has been altered, with heroes and villains changing roles, Paris flooded and an endless war between Atlantis and the Amazons. He manages to repower himself and chase down The Reverse-Flash, whom he believes is responsible, only to find that Barry himself is responsible for the changes, and the necessary repairs completely alter the history of the DCU, causing the New 52 reality.

To quote the great Peter Venkman, “Tasty pick… BONEHEAD!”

9) THE ONE WITH PETER & MARY JANE’S DAUGHTER

On Earth-982, a strange reality that manages to be both the future and the present at the same time, an older Peter Parker has retired from heroics after an injury and his teenage daughter May developed her own powers at the age of 15. Secretly taking a mask and costume, “Mayday” sets out for a career of her own, teaming with the children of other superheroes and villains and reforming a new Avengers team. Like most every Spider-Person ever, she was dragged into the events of Spider-Verse and Spider-Geddon.

8) THE ONE WITH ALL THE BEASTIE BOYS, FOR SOME REASON

When an enraged Romulan named Nero traveled back in time from the 24th century to destroy the USS Kelvin, he caused not only the death of George Kirk, but a whole new timeline. In the altered timeline, James T. Kirk was even more of a maverick, washing out of the Academy and taking command through a series of strange situations before settling into the role of Captain and having several movies worth of adventures, without entirely negating the prime reality.

7) THE ONE WHERE HEROES AND VILLAINS SWITCH UP

I’m gonna be honest: I’m not 100% clear on all the alternate timelines, branches, dimensions and realities of Sentinels of the Multiverse, but I know that Maria Helena Teresa Fafila Servanda Jimena Mansuara Paterna Domenga Gelvira Placia Sendina Belita Eufemia Columba Gontina Aldonza Mafalda Cristina Tegrida de Falcon is normally the villain known as La Capitan. Eventually, she regrets her actions and comes back in time (with the help of Chrono-Ranger) as La Comodora, intending to right the wrongs she has done, fighting with the heroes during the OblivAeon War.

6) THE ONE WHERE CAPTAIN AMERICA GROWS UP TO BE CLINT EASTWOOD

If you haven’t seen ‘Avengers: Endgame’ and are worried about being spoilered, move on to the apes, y’all.

Now, for those who know or want to know, Captain America and The Avengers manage to thwart Thanos and return to life those lost by the infamous snap, Captain America is tasked with returning the various Infinity Stones to their proper time and place, after which he stays in the past to keep his “date” with Peggy Carter. Returning to the present the long way ’round, he shows up just long enough to present his shield to a new bearer, meaning that he’s either living an alternate reality, already has lived an alternate reality or something something time travel nonsense. I’m a long-time Doctor Who fan, and I’m still not clear on it all.

5) THE ONE WITH CORNELIUS AND ZIRA’S BABY

After the events of ‘Beneath The Planet of the Apes’, wherein the future reality of the year 3955 ends in nuclear fire, chimpanzee scientists Cornelius and Zira travel back in time to “the present”, where their cognition and sentience causes a media sensation. Eventually, the public turns on them and kills both, but their baby is spirited away to a circus, where he grows to maturity and triggers the regime of talking apes centuries early. By 1991, he has begun a revolution, and by 2670, full-on ape rule has commenced, meaning it’s an alternate reality from the original Charlton Heston flick, probably. It’s not entirely clear…

4) THE ONE WHERE THE PEACE CONFERENCE ENDED

When founding Power Rangers Zach, Trini and Jason left the team in season two, they were, for the most part, never seen again. (Yes, I know Jason came back as Gold Ranger and returned for ‘Forever Red’, I’m not just some jabroni, here.) In the post-Shattered Grid reality of the BOOM! Studios Power Rangers comics, they were empowered by a cosmic entity called the Blue Emissary (embodiment of all the power of Blue Rangers) as a new team of Omega Rangers. Things got complicated at that point, followed by chaotic, followed by murdery, but one thing is sure: The costumes are AMAZING.

3) THE ONE WHERE WILLOW AND XANDER ARE VAMPIRES

When an angry Cordelia Chase wished that Buffy Summers never came to Sunnydale, first season villain The Master succeeded in his evil plan and turned the town into a monster buffet. Horrified at what she’d done, Cordelia contacted this universe’s Buffy, who didn’t believe the talk of alternate realities and ended up killed by her two best friends. Rupert Giles sacrificed himself to erase that timeline, but echoes of it still remained, including the appearance of vampire WIllow in the prime reality.

2) THE ONE WHERE ACE DIES

It’s important to stress that Doctor Who, unlike most science fiction properties, doesn’t have a hard-and-fast official canon, due to the time-twisting nature of the premise. So, it’s unclear whether or not Seventh Doctor companion Dorothy “Ace” McShane’s explosive death as as young woman actually “happened”, whatever that means, but it doesn’t seem to have stuck, if it did. Canonically, an older-looking Ace was at some point brought to The Black Archive and photographed (as seen in ‘Day of the Doctor’) and a former companion named Dorothy was referred to as having started a charity organization in an episode of ‘The Sarah Jane Adventures.’ For my money, it feels like Ace’s expertise with explosive might preclude such a fate, so… mileage, as always, may vary.

1) THE ONE WHERE THE TIMELINE REBOOTS IN MID-ISSUE

In the reality of Amalgam, where DC and Marvel heroes combined into one in the wake of the ‘Marvel Vs. DC/DC Vs. Marvel’ event, the Legion of Superheroes and the Guardians of the Galaxy (with bits and pieces of Marvel 2099) were merged into one massive future agglomerated team. When Spider-Boy was bumped into the future, he encountered the LGG2099 team which, in a clear joke about the Legion’s tendency to retcon, revamp, relaunch and reboot, actually changed realities in the middle of the issue. For non-Legion fans, I’m sure the issue is a giant imposing snarl of madness, but speaking as someone who has read a lot of LSH over the years: It absolutely is a giant imposing snarl of madness.

Thanks to friend of Major Spoilers Thomas Perkins (@TNPerkins4) for this week’s topic. Feel free to follow along @MightyKingCobra for more Ten Things madness on Twitter or check out the full Twitter archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, because alternate timelines are better than evil twins, and every property needs at least one or two. Either way, the comments section is Below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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