As a wise man once said, “Don’t be skeered, it’s just a beard!” Even when it’s worn with a mask… Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Super Beards!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and Admiral Ambrose Everette Burnside, Presents:

TEN SUPER BEARDS!

10) THE IMMORTAL

One of the key members of the Guardians of the Globe in the pages of ‘Invincible’, The Immortal was attacked and decapitated (!!) by Omni-Man along with his Justice League-inspired cohorts. He survived that attempt as well as being ripped in half, maintaining his stoicism and his trademark fringed beard all the while. It was also revealed that he had the same facial hair during his tenure as President of the United States from 1861 to 1865, when he was going by the name “Abraham Lincoln.” #TheRESTOfTheStory

9) THE BAD SAMARITAN

Empowered by the legendary Fires of Destruction, Alden Quench was rendered superhuman and nigh-immortal, entering into an endless feud with Neon The Unknown and his allies, known as The Unexpected. (Or maybe just starring in a book by that name? It’s not entirely clear.) After dying and being forced to work with Neon, The Bad Samaritan has taken to the highways of the world in search of a new purpose, still dressed like Guy Fieri’s cool vaping step-dad.

8) GILGAMOS

An immortal Babylonian warrior who is clearly the inspiration for the legend of Gilgamesh, he has become a superhero in the modern day. Sadly, this put him in close proximity to The Plutonian, whose madness led to the near-destruction of the world and the violent amputation of Gil’s wings. It also meant the dissolution of his marriage in a more personal tragedy. To me, he’ll always be the man who used HIS OWN BONES to pick a lock and escape captivity, bleeding profusely as he went.

7) VOLSTAGG THE VOLUMINOUS

The greatest warrior in Asgardian history (Just ask him!), Volstagg may be over-the-hill, fat as all hell and just a little bit of a coward, he and his partners in the Warriors Three prove their heroism when the chips are down. The only things he loves more than his mead and a good meal are his wife and children, making that rarest of creatures: An adventurer who is also a successful parent.

6) McCREE

In a world of robits, magic and existential crises, Jesse McCree keeps it simple: Big ol’ revolver and his best Clint Eastwood impersonation. Once a member of a feared group of outlaws, he was essentially conscripted into the Overwatch covert operations division. His personal code means that, as a gun-for-hire, he chooses only those missions he deems to be just.

5) HATE FACE

One of the noblest heroes of his age, he was already dead when the Legion of Super-Heroes first encountered his grave on Shanghalla, the asteroid cemetery for the finest of fallen heroes. Is it cruel fate that made him resemble traditional depictions of the capital-d Devil, or the universe testing his heroic resolve? Regardless of which you believe, he served with honor and saved the lives of millions of sentient beings, even though his beard looks like a paintbrush.

4) VIBE

Before cool nerd Cisco Ramone ruled the lab on Tuesday nights, there was Paco Ramone, gang-member, breakdancer and casual hero. Joining the Justice League by sheer force of will when the team relocated to his home city of Detroit, Vibe hid his intellect behind a façade of tough-guy dialogue and a thick Puerto Rican patois. When the world was under siege by Professor Ivo’s androids, Vibe interceded, giving his life in the line of duty, the first Leaguer to do so. (The cartoon version shown here is much less tragic, but either way you slice it, anybody on the internet who wants to tell you he’s terrible is wrong and bad and must not be trusted.)

3) TECHNO

A genius with anything mechanical, Norbert Ebersol had designed and assembled an electric automobile before his eleventh birthday, eventually dropping out of school due to lack of challenge. Crime, sadly, proved to spark his interests, leading to a long career as the villainous Fixer before joining Baron Zemo’s Thunderbolts team. Posing as a hero, Norbert never quite got past his own worst impulses, and occasionally went back to his hedonistic criminal ways before sacrificing himself to fix a time paradox.

2) THE QUAKER

A young Amish lad, Liam Adams left his home to attend college after a visitation from someone he believed to be God. During a strange accident, he was gifted with the ability to cause earthquakes (thanks to focusing on his hunger at the time of the accident.) As a member of the loosely affiliated team called The Freshmen, Liam refuses a full-fledged costume, as it goes against his values. Instead, he dresses as he always has, with a small “Q” symbol that he places on his hat when in action.

I’m not sure why he is Amish but is called The Quaker, but I’m sort of afraid to ask…

1) ZHA-VAM

Created by the gods of Olympus themselves to challenge the Man of Steel, Zha-Vam was molded from clay and imbued with the powers of Zeus, Hercules, Achilles, Vulcan, Apollo and Mercury, with the ability to channel even more powers through his belt of building blocks. (And yes, the Roman and Greek names are all mixed up like that in every appearance.) First appearing in 1967, he may have been a trial run for the return of Captain Marvel under the DC banner circa 1973.

Thanks to Faithful Spoilerite @Nerdling365 for this week’s topic. Feel free to follow along @MightyKingCobra for more Ten Things madness on Twitter or check out the full Twitter archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, if only because big beards are all the rage again. Heck, even Mister Fantastic has one! Either way, the comments section is Below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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