Major Spoilers

    Major Spoilers Question Of The Day: Five-Man Acoustical Kablammicus Edition

    Matthew PetersonBy Updated:39 Comments2 Mins Read

    Not so long ago, Adriana and I bonded after an episode of Critical Hit about how great it was to finally have the traditional Five-Man Band character set in play.  We spent about an hour just analyzing the form and function of various fictional characters, and had a great time because we are enormous nerds.  The Five-Man Band, per traditional definitions, is a group of characters whose members fall into archetypical roles which all complement one another.  The five character archetypes, as defined by TVtropes.org, are:

    • The Leader, embodied by Orem:  The leader of the group.  Can be a mastermind, charismatic, levelheaded, headstrong, or some combination of the four.
    • The Lancer, embodied by Ket: The second-in-command, usually a contrast to The Leader.
    • The Smart Guy, embodied by Randus: The physically weak, but intelligent or clever member.  Often nerdy and awkward and played for comic relief.
    • The Big Guy, embodied by Torq: The strongman of the team.  May be dumb, or mute.
    • The Chick, embodied by Trelle: A peacekeeping role to balance out the other members’ aggression, bringing them to a nice or at least manageable medium.  The Chick is often considered the heart of the group.

    The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always, “misquoted”) has probably never been so unnecessarily complex, asking:  If you could pick from all the fictions in all the worlds, who would make up your Five-Man Band?

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    Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture! And a nice red uniform.

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    39 Comments

    4. Jimmy on

      The Leader: Tommy the White Ranger
      The Lancer: Booster Gold
      The Smart Guy: Blue Beetle (Ted Kord)
      The Big Guy: Freakazoid
      The Chick: April O’Neil

      That would be a very, very crazy squad but also kind of awesome.

      Reply
    5. Alexander D. on

      The Leader – Bright Noa [Mobile Suit: Gundam] While young and supposedly inexperienced he is a leader who realizes what is right and when the politics of his superiors simply get in the way of victory. His weapon/tools include a spaceship and a tactical mind.

      The Lancer – Adieu [Lord of Lords: Ryu Knight] While he usually spouts out rhetoric from his lessons of the “Code of Chivalry” he also leaps headlong into battle without thinking about it (like most protagonists often do) but his Mech, the Ryu Knight Zephyr, is powerful enough to get him through practically anything. His weapons include the previously mentioned Mech, a greatsword, and a gallop (an offshoot of the famous chocobo).

      The Smart Guy – Randus [Critical Hit Podcast]. His Ridiculous contraptions seem to cover any situation for the group and his luck seems to work in ways that most people cannot understand. His weapons include a variety of magical weapons, random equipment, his robotic arm, and his faithful robotic crab assistant.

      The Big Guy – Argo Gulskii [Mobile Fighter: G Gundam]. Whoever said the big guy had to be there on his own volition? While he is a prisoner, and happens to get the arm of his mech ripped off more than both the Skywalker characters put together, his strength and skill are on par with the best. His weapons include a Flail (the heavy ball on the end ejects from his shoulder), and the ability to create giant spikey rocks errupt from the ground!

      The Girl – Hitomi [Vision of Escaflowne] While she isn’t as kick ass as some other female protagonists, she is physically fit and has shown the power to teleport herself, and even large mecha, to different locations as well as looking into the future.

      Reply
    6. Navarre on

      The Leader: Captain America
      The Lancer: Malcolm Reynolds (from Firefly/Serenity)
      The Smart Guy: Topher Brink (from Dollhouse)
      The Big Guy: Hancock (from the Will Smith movie)
      The Chick: Kitty Pryde or Hermione Granger

      Despite the trope of the 5 Man Band, it is sexist that there can only be one female on the team and she has to only be “the chick”. Kitty and Hermione could easily fit the “Smart Guy” role as well.

      But I get it’s playing off the old stereotypes so my list is above. Next we should do “Black Cop. White Cop.”

      Reply
      • Matthew Peterson on

        Despite the trope of the 5 Man Band, it is sexist that there can only be one female on the team and she has to only be “the chick”. Kitty and Hermione could easily fit the “Smart Guy” role as well.

        I don’t recall saying anything indicating that there could be only one woman on the team, only that the role of The Chick was usually played by a woman. You could do an all-female Five (Wo)Man Band as well, so long as the roles fit. You could even get away with inverting the gender roles, in my opinion, to wit:

        The Leader: Storm
        The Lancer: Rogue
        The Smart Guy: Kitty Pryde
        The Big Guy: Marrow
        The Chick: Nightcrawler

        Reply
        • Navarre on

          Then, from the Buffy universe:

          The Leader: Buffy
          The Lancer: Faith
          The Smart Guy: Willow
          The Big Guy: Illyria
          The Chick: Xander

          Also, Kitty and Hermione seem somewhat interchangeable in their team role as Smart and Chick. Maybe that says something about their characters.

          Reply
    8. Dino on

      All over the place with my stuff, but damn if it wouldn’t be entertaining:

      Leader: Danny Ocean (Ocean’s Eleven) Why? Because Batman is awesome. But really he has what any leader needs: absurdly circuitous plans.
      Lancer: Garrus Vakarian (Mass Effect) Why? Lancers need to be suitably grizzled and not play by the rules. He’s basically Dirty Harry: IN SPACE!
      Smart Guy: Angus MacGuyver (MacGuyver) Why? Sure there might be smarter smart guys out there, but he certainly saves on costs when he can make a bomb with an old sock, a paper clip and a back issue of the Chicago Tribune.
      Big Guy: Seargent Detritus (Discworld) Why? Because he wields a ballista as a sidearm.
      Chick: Samwise Gamgee (Lord of The Rings) Why? If he can cheer Frodo up after spending time with Smeagol, he could pretty much do anything.

      Reply
    9. Alisha Mynx on

      – Leader: Tsuyoshi Kaijou, Akarenger (from Himitsu Sentai Gorenger, the very first Super Sentai series).
      – Lancer: Takeshi Hongo, Kamen Rider #1 (from the first Kamen Rider series).
      – Smart Guy: Swan Shiratori, DekaSwan (from Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger)
      – Big Guy: Gigantor (from the anime Gigantor)
      – Chick: Koume “Umeko” Kodou, DekaPink (from Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger)

      Reply
    10. Pablo on

      The Leader: Captain James T. Kirk
      The Lancer: Tank Girl
      The Smart Guy: Peter Parker / Spider-Man
      The Big Guy: Godzilla
      The Chick: Jean Grey

      Reply
    11. Creigh Brigman on

      Are all of these members supposed to be proficient in combat?

      Malcom Reynolds (Firefly)
      Tyrion Lannister (Game of Thrones)
      Tali’Zorah Nor Rayya (Mass Effect)
      The Hulk
      Nia (Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann)

      Reply
      • Creigh Brigman on

        Or,

        The Doctor (Doctor Who)
        Lelouch vi Britannia (Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion)
        Thoni (Spelling? Critical Hit: A Major Spoilers Dungeons and Dragons Podcast)
        Jax (League of Legends)
        Alphonse Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist)

        Reply
    12. Bluecho on

      For added points, one ought to also consider an optional sixth slot, a position I like to call the Outlier. This is the figurative sixth ranger who is like the Lancer, except more independent and not tied (usually) to being the counter to any one character. Rather, the Outlier serves as the counterpoint to the entire group as a whole, legitimizing the need for that character to be more powerful than any single group member.

      Most importantly, that character if they are inclined to work with the group on a regular basis spends most of their time on the fringes or even distant from the rest, so as to have a reserve member should the main force get caught in a trap. And naturally, they are free to pursue separate courses of action to the other five, making sure not all the eggs go in one basket.

      Reply
      • Matthew Peterson on

        For added points, one ought to also consider an optional sixth slot, a position I like to call the Outlier.

        That actually does exist, and is generally referred to as The Sixth Ranger. :)

        Reply
    13. Gehrigan on

      For you Doctorphiles:
      Let the controversy begin:

      Leader – William Hartnell
      Lancer – John Pertwee
      Smart guy – David Tennant
      big guy – Tom Baker
      the chick – Peter Davidson

      Reply
        • Slappy on

          Leader – William Hartnell – Proven in The 3 Doctors.
          Lancer – David Tennent – Always able to stand by until really needed.
          Smart guy – Colin Baker – Only one to fix the Tardis’ Chameleon Circut.
          Big guy – John Pertwee – Since there are none physically imposing, he was the kickass chopsaki Doctor.
          The Chick – Paul McGann – Just a little more sensative than Davison.
          Sixth Ranger: Sylvester McCoy – Darkest of them all.

          Reply
          • Matthew Peterson on

            Big guy – John Pertwee – Since there are none physically imposing, he was the kickass chopsaki Doctor.

            I’d say that both Bakers are pretty imposing, being well over six foot tall, but I like your thinking here…

            Reply
            • Slappy on

              Thank you Mr. Peterson, and I know the Bakers were not slight, but they were not imposing in a physical way. Especially Tom with the goofey grin.

              Reply
          • Bill the Seeker on

            I would agree that Pertwee’s doctor was the most likely to resort to fighting and most skilled when it comes to combat.

            Reply
    14. Gehrigan on

      The Leader – Aquaman
      The Lancer – Superman
      The Smart Guy – Batman
      The Big Guy – Wonder Woman (or GL)
      The Chick – Flash

      this is for DC52, of course.

      Reply
      • Matthew Peterson on

        I don’t know if the current JLA is really a five-man band.

        They lack someone to be The Chick, and they lack a Leader in the traditional sense. Plus, you’d have to create another position called “The D-Bag” for New 52 Hal Jordan. :)

        Reply
    15. Slappy on

      The All Smart Guy & Chick Squad

      The Leader: Captain James T. Kirk – While he is know mostly as a womanizing strategic genius that doesn’t know how to lose, he is also very smart technically and can Macgyver up some stuff when necessary.
      The Lancer: MacGyver – Little more laid back than Cap, but able to do his job and command when necessary.
      The Smart Guy: 6th Doctor – While he is by no means a team player, his snarkiness and fights with Kirk may outdo Spock/ McCoy fights. He is also the smartest in this crew of Smart Guys, and will have no problem letting them know that.
      The Big Guy: Doctor Henry McCoy (Beast) – Aside from being the brawn of the team, he is also the comic relief.
      The Chick: Hermione Granger – One year after the battle of Hogwarts, she ends up in the malfunctioning Tardis piloted by a man in an extremely ugly suit.

      Reply
    19. DPDave on

      Leader: Aslan – the only guy I can think of who delivers more inspiration on tap than Captain America. Also, he’s a magical freaking lion.
      Lancer: Silver Surfer – well used to being a second and no longer over-awed by god-like beings.
      Smart guy: Data – because he could separate your spinal cord from your body in 15 different ways, but he’ll probably just modulate the frequency of something instead.
      Big guy: Hulk (Planet Hulk Hulk, specifically) – Because he is the strongest one there is.
      Chick: Door (from Neverwhere) – Inherently sympathetic character due to the loss of her family but also brings unique skills which could actually be of use to such a high-powered group.

      My selection suffers from cascading power requirements. Once I settled on Aslan as leader, I needed a very strong willed and powerful Lancer to have any chance of not being over-awed by his mere presence. That led me to the Surfer, but then the list of ‘Big guys’ who can actually hit harder than the Surfer is pretty small. Luckily I love the Hulk so no biggy. If you want a smart guy who can be played comically, Data is just the natural choice for me. And Door has such an interesting ability – to ‘open things’ – doors, minds, dimensions, cans of whoop-ass – that she creates pretty much infinite possibilities for the group’s adventures.

      Reply
    20. wdchefdave on

      Added Sixth Ranger…
      It would be too easy and obvious to choose Wolverine, Deadpool, or Punisher…
      So, I’ll pick Doc Savage.

      Reply
    21. Adam Murray on

      My 80’s movie version:

      Leader: Conan
      Lancer: Lando
      Smart Guy: Emmet Brown
      Big Guy: Chunk
      Chick: Phoebe Cates

      Reply
    23. Robbie on

      How about Gen 1 Transformers?
      The Leader: Optimus Prime
      The Lancer: Prowl
      The Smart Guy: Ratchet
      The Big Guy: Grimlock
      The “Chick” : Bumblebee

      Reply

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