You’ll get a big delight in every bite of this week’s Ten Things Nerdery. Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Hostess Ad Villains!

Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with the Hostess company, whose full-page ads were a staple of comic book from 1975 all the way through 1982, Presents:

TEN THINGS: TEN HOSTESS AD VILLAINS!

10) THE MOUTH

When you’re about to wade through a swamp of the utterly ridiculous, I find it’s best to start at the top of the heap and roll your way downhill. Thus, I give you, The Mouth, a giant floating maw with hands that, for some reason reminds me of Master Shake from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. With a stated agenda of destroying a local carnival, he’s not the most nefarious of villains, but his utterly ridiculous nature is even more notable when played against Mar-Vell, the oh-so-serious alien Captain.

OPPONENT: Captain Marvel
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies

9) THE ROLLER DISCO DEVILS

Taking to the streets in the summer of 1980, the Roller Disco Devils menaced Skatetown USA with their frightening beats and terrible silk shirts. Enter: The Incredible Hulk!

I’d have to say that’s overkill. Either way, the Green Goliath/Friday Night TV Star puts an end to the Devils’ reign by shattering their bones with a roulade of concrete,  freeing the children to enjoy their snack cakes in peace, shortly before Xanadu finally brought the love of roller disco to an end.

You might also recognize the art, done by a young George Perez!

OPPONENT: The Incredible Hulk
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pie (Apple, Cherry & Peach Varieties)

8) KLEPTO

Taking his name from a mental disorder in which a person is unable to avoid the urge to steal, Klepto seems much harsher in hindsight than most of the silly villains who want their life-giving Hostess sucrose. Still, a criminal is a criminal, and Ben Grimm takes a break from his daily mitzvot to lend a rocky, orange hand. In my head-canon, Klepto got help for his compulsions and enjoyed a long career as comedian Richard Lewis.

OPPONENT: The idol o’millions, Mrs. Grimm’s baby boy, The Ever-Lovin’ Blue-Eyed Thing
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Cup Cakes

7) DEMOLITION DERBY

Terribly impolite of this villain to throw his topper at Spidey, eh, wot? The Demolition Derby’s wherewithal and chapeau-related rudeness aside, this particular Hostess advert is short and sweet, completely bypassing fisticuffs for the power of golden sponge cake

If you thought the Perez Hulk Hostess ad was interesting to see, pay close attention to the layouts here, as they are penciled by future superstar Frank Miller, before he did all his inking with a sledgehammer.

OPPONENT: The Amazing Spider-Man
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies

6) ICEMASTER

Initially conceived by the folks at Hostess as Iceman, not realizing that Marvel Comics had a fairly high-profile hero by that name, Icemaster’s debut also features the work of Frank Miller. The influence is clear, too, as you recall that Karen Page sold the secrets of Daredevil’s identity for a box of Twinkies and some of the rare Lemon Fruit Pies.

Icemaster is unusual among the Hostess villains, in that he was seen to appear in the prime Marvel reality of Earth-616 as part of The Crimson Cowl’s Masters of Evil, and has appeared periodically as one of the recurring mooks of Marvel, mostly recently getting his face kicked in by the one-two-punch of Rogue and The Mimic.

OPPONENT: The Human Torch
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pies (Apple & Cherry Varieties)

5) THE VACUUM VULTURE

The Vacuum Vulture combines classic alliteration with Curt Swan art and a super-vehicle that literally sucks, letting the jokes write themselves. Our man Vacuum Vulture seems much more focused on the cakes as his goal, rather than the “Wouldn’t you rather have some sweet complex carbs?” of Marvel’s ads, and the Red Tornado actually gets to use his powers against the villain.

Is it me, or does Vacuum Vulture look like a young Maximilian Schell?

OPPONENT: The Red Tornado
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Cup Cakes

4) JET-SET JESSIE

A jewel thief and forerunner of many modern Karens, Jet-Set Jessie actually FIGHTS with Batgirl in one of her only Hostess ads. (Batman had sixteen or so, with the championship belonging to Richie Rich with THIRTY-SIX appearances across seven years.) Jessie isn’t particularly memorable, but her gimmick of spinning while covered in jewels is interesting. I’m not sure if she’s trying to blind her foes or cut them with diamonds, or just start a new dance craze, but in any case, she’s drawn as a young Lucille Ball.

OPPONENT: Batgirl
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies

3) THE JOKER

The Clown Prince of Crime becomes the Crown Prince of Climb, only to be laid low by a mere ringmaster?

Can’t wait for Johns to explain which of the Jokers this actually is, finally answering a question that nobody ever asked.

OPPONENT: Hubris
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Fruit Pie (Apple, Cherry & Blueberry Varieties)

2) PRINTOUT MAN

If you don’t remember the days of dot-matrix printers and their illegible, flimsy paper output, then this might not make any sense to you. Suffice to say that The Printout Man terrifies some of us more than any Galactus, Brainiac, or Condiment King ever could.

The fear of computers? That’s just silly Boomer nonsense. The fear of specific computer peripherals is where it’s at. *Drake nodding jpg*

OPPONENT: Spider-Man And Rampant Capitalism
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Cup Cakes

1) THE ORBITRONS

You might think that this outing for the Man of Steel is inspired by Pac-Man, as the yellow, open-mouthed Orbitrons somewhat resemble the video game hero. In truth, this 1979 Hostess ad predates the release of the game by almost a year, and the delayed United States release by even more! Though the design is somewhat different, I expect that his shuttlecraft here is a version of the Supermobile, which debuted about a year earlier in Earth-1 continuity. Obviously, the radiation that robbed him of his powers took longer to wear off on Earth-Hostess.

OPPONENT: Superman
MEANS OF DEFEAT: Twinkies And/Or The Potential Of Lawsuit By Ed “Big Daddy” Roth

Once again, this week’s topic, is all me, but feel free to follow along on social media to suggest your own ideas! There’s always more Ten Things madness on my Twitter (the artist formerly known as X) or check out the full Ten Things Nerdery archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, because there are literally hundreds of Hostess Ads, including like three that feature Daredevil fighting guys named Johnny. Either way, the comments section is below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!

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