Browsing: Rapid Fire Reviews

Or – “Off To Meet My Doom, Mom! See You After School!”    Comic book publishing schedules puzzle me. The Twelve hasn’t come out in what seems like a year, while Agents of Atlas is apparently on a bi-weekly status, and Spider-Man is coming out every sixteen minutes or so. Wolverine alone accounts for half the forests destroyed in the United States every month. The major publishers can’t seem to decide whether it’s a market for the celebrity auteur writer, or whether it’s the characters who sell the books regardless of creator. When Wolverine #73 came out a few weeks…

Or – “OH, GNAAAAAAAAAAARRRRLY!!” It’s so easy to blow up your problems, it’s so easy to play up your breakdown.  It’s so easy to fly through a window, it’s so easy to fool with the sound.  Life’s the same, I’m moving in stereo…  Life’s the same, except for my shoes.  Life’s the same, you’re shakin’ like tremolo.  Life’s the same, it’s all inside you.  Life’s the same, I’m moving in stereo…  Life’s the same, except for my shoes.  Life’s the same, you’re shakin’ like tremolo.  Life’s the same, it’s all inside you!

Or – “Freakin’ In The Purple Rain With A Flying Hippo!” Hey, kids!  What time is it? Time to get a new watch! Return with us now to those glorious days of yesteryear, when comics came out every Wednesday, there was a new car in every a garage, a chicken in every pot, and a pot calling the kettle collect!  When the review pile gets high enough to fall over, it’s time for Rapid-Fire REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW   OOOOooooOOOOOO!

Or – “Additional Revenge of the Return of the Living Monolith!” Woodland creatures with large-bore ballistic weapons? Looks like it’s time for another round of RAPID-FIRE REVIEWS!  With special guest star, Ted McGinnis!  And Jerry Mathers as the Stephen!

Or – “Cut Me Some Slack, I Been Working For A Promotion…” My day gig is a study in many things…  Management theories.  Inappropriate dress.  The mating habits of the Bisexuals Of The Plains.  But one thing that it is not, and has never been, is uncomplicated.  Thus, I have come to you, our Faithful Spoilerites, with another batch of mini-reviews, just like a Chili’s mini-burger entree only less likely to make your @$$ look like a truck.  (Also, be aware that I just barely decided not to do this one in limerick form, in honor o’ th’ wearin’ o’ the…

Or – “In Which I Review Entirely In Haiku…”   Rapid Fire Reviews… Comics In Poetic Form. (Let’s See If This Works.)

Or – “What Happens When I Continue To Fall Behind On Everything?” What’s the scraping noise?  Looks like the raccoon done busted out the heavy weapons, which means it’s time for another look at some of the comics that were too esoteric, too weird, or too numerous to look at individually: RAPID FIRE REVIEWS!  BRAKKA BRAKKA BRAKKA!  Make sure that the release lever is elevated, and that the debris shield is down, put on your safety goggles and PREpare… to REview!

Or – “Wasn’t There Another Reviewer At Major Spoilers?  Some Old Dude?” It’s a little known fact that the month of December contains space-time anomalies that keep you from ever completing anything on time.  Add to that a new paradigm at my office, wherein my team load has doubled and my patience halved, a tendency to want to spend time with my friends around the holidays, a scanner that works about half the time and my recent birthday, and I admit it…  I may have been neglecting my reviews.  Still, t’is nobler in the mind to beg forgiveness than it…

Or – “I Honestly Have NO Idea When These Books Came Out…”   Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends…  much like the harassment you get when you wear the pizza suit and dance on the corner in front of a Cici’s.  Even when you’re cutting back on comics purchases, like I have, the urge to review more comics than there is time to review them is strong.  Makes me with there were 8 days a week, actually.  Thus, we at Stately Spoilers Manor have created this handy, dandy method of touching upon things going on at Penny Lane,…

Or – “Three Weeks Of Comics In Handy Bite-Sized Servings!” A side-effect of reading as many comics as I do comes when, after a particulary heavy week of reads, you find all the stories kind of blurring together into one.  It makes for some pretty entertaining nightmares as well, like the one where Wonder Woman was guarding the galaxy against marauding zombies who wanted to shape-shift into teenagers and make out while simultaneously refitting all of our cars to fly and emit fire, and also giving our grandparents cyborg limbs that glow in the dark.  So, I got that going…

Or – “When They Said, ‘Get A Life,’ I Should Have Said ‘&$@$ YOU!” So, for those of y’all who were not aware I DO have things on my weekly schedule that are NOT comic-related.  Not many of them, granted, but they do exist.  One of them is my day job, overlooking (I almost typed overworking) twelve awesome telephone service representatives in their day-to-day quest to resolve issues for our beloved customers.  August was a rough month for my guys (nicknamed “Team Ramrod”) and has required me to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about AHT, IR, BP, SV, and other meaningless initials.  In any…

Or – “I Think We Can Be Certain It’s Not Really Final…” I started to try and write a big clever open, but y’know what?  RACCOON WITH A HEAVY MACHINE GUN!!!!! How am I s’pose to top that?

Or – “Because I’ve Fallen Further Behind Than Ever Before…” I have to tell you, two weeks of being unable to type without crying like a little girl really makes your work pile up.  The last couple of weeks of comics have been a tumultuous ride, with a whole lot of minor things happening that made me happy.  An old favorite disappoints, while a surprise contender impresses the heck out of me.  British vampires, time-lost Arcturans, underground civilizations, the chupacabra, and a fifty-foot stalk of marijuana await you, beyond the fold!

Or – “Comics Move Pretty Fast. If Ya Don’t Slow Down Once In A While, You Could Miss ‘Em.” So, how YOU doin?  When I joined the intrepid staff here at Stately Spoilers Manor, I was a carefree young lad, temping at a dog food company and literally finding myself with hours at work to stare into space.  Ahh, those were the heady days of cafeteria food and three-a-day reviews.  Now that I have a *real* job, my first in several years, I’m horrified to find that I have to spend 8 or 9 hours per day ACTUALLY WORKING.  Uncool, to…