Or – “Totally Cosmic, Maan! The Squirrel Had A GUN, Man… And This Car? It Runs On WATER, Maaan!”
Things have been heating up in Marvel’s Cosmic Theatre of war, and everyone from Rocket Raccoon to the Silver Surfer is concerned, as a lost hero returns from the dead, but only a big purple villain can stop him. Everything’s topsy turvy, wackadoodle, on it’s head, DOGS AND RACCOONS, SAVING THE UNIVERSE! MASS HYSTERIA!
Or – “Named For The Roman God Martius, God Of War…”
Not to be confused with famed Martian general Marvin, whose computers are so complex and naughty… Traditionally, this month has signaled the beginning of the season of military campaigns, and also the time when college basketball generals lead their troops unto the field of battle. For me, working in small-market TV for as long as I did, it’s a month which signals mighty pains in the butt, which explains why this is technically the FEBRUARY edition of RFR. We apologize for the inconvenience… Better to just press on.
Or – “Turkey Fact #12: If You Leave A Turkey Out In The Rain, He’ll Drown… Stupid Bird.”
Every year, I tell myself that I’m going to take it easy on Thanksgiving, and every year, I pretty much feel like a python who swallowed a wild boar. Yesterday, I had three slices of pie, an enormous wedge of ham, and half a bag of crackers with cheese spread, and that was the day BEFORE the holiday feasting. In order to help you digest YOUR Thanksgiving dinner, (Disclaimer: May not be valid in all areas!) we’ve got another line-up of things to be thankful for in the comics world… To Infinity – And BEYOND!!!!!
Or – “I Decided To Trick Or Treat With My Kid Instead… Sorry.”
The MUSIC MEEEISSSSTERRRR! Sing the song that the world wants to heeeear! Man, I’ve had that stuck in my head for WEEKS, now. This particular RFR was meant to go up last week, just in time for the annual festival of half-price chocolate, but various things conspired to keep me from completing it until today. For those of you who can’t get enough comic review goodness, I’ve got the cowbell to slake your fever, and it’s time to ask ourselves, baby, what’s the word? In the words of the great philosopher Aloysius Bundy: “Let’s ROCK.”
Or – “Time, Time, Time…Â See What’s Become Of Me…”
When Pete Quill’s ragtag group of cosmic-types took on the name Guardians of the Galaxy, there was already a team in the Marvel Universe by that name… Or at least there will have been one, in the 31st Century. The original GotG were a group of oppressed Freedom Fighters under the rule of the Badoon, a race of what seemed to be barbarian space-lizards. Since they won’t be around for about another thousand years, give or take, who exactly do you suppose the people in that picture are?
Or – “Most People Don’t Know That His Full Name Is Manuel Labór.”
So, I have completed my daily labors, overseeing the dozen fellers and gals what make up the current workgroup to call themselves Team RamRod (“See, you’re Arkot Ramathorn… Ram. And I’m Rodney Farva… Rod. Team RamRod!”) and I am preparing to have some spaghetti and hang out with friends, but first I wanted to catch up with some of the many titles that I’ve neglected over the busy last days of August…
RAPID-FIRE REVIEW TIME!
Or – “Sir, I Protest! I Am NOT A Merry Man!!!”
Once again, we’ve come to the situation where Stately Spoilers Manor contains far more comics than there are days to review ‘em, leading once again unto the Final Frontier… NUQNEH – NOOKNEHH! Phasers on summarize!
Or – “We Hold These Comics To Be Self-Evident…”
Today is American Independence Day, commonly referred to as July 4th, as it takes place on the 4th of July, hence the name, and that’s why the song is called Alice’s Restaurant… To all the faithful Spoilerites of the United States, Happy 4th of July. For those of you who are from elsewhere, sorry about all the hegemony and stuff. Either way, it’s time for another bout of our Rapid Fire Reviews, bite-sized chunks of comics that I either couldn’t write three paragraphs about, or ran out of time to cover. Give us your tired, your poorly drawn, your huddled masses of comics, yearning to be bagged in mylar…
Or – “Off To Meet My Doom, Mom! See You After School!”
Comic book publishing schedules puzzle me. The Twelve hasn’t come out in what seems like a year, while Agents of Atlas is apparently on a bi-weekly status, and Spider-Man is coming out every sixteen minutes or so. Wolverine alone accounts for half the forests destroyed in the United States every month. The major publishers can’t seem to decide whether it’s a market for the celebrity auteur writer, or whether it’s the characters who sell the books regardless of creator. When Wolverine #73 came out a few weeks ago (before the publication of #72) it occurred to me that the entire industry is run by the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert, and that I should really just relax.
Or – “Freakin’ In The Purple Rain With A Flying Hippo!”
Hey, kids! What time is it?
Time to get a new watch!
Return with us now to those glorious days of yesteryear, when comics came out every Wednesday, there was a new car in every a garage, a chicken in every pot, and a pot calling the kettle collect! When the review pile gets high enough to fall over, it’s time for Rapid-Fire REVIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWW  OOOOooooOOOOOO!
Or – “Additional Revenge of the Return of the Living Monolith!”
Woodland creatures with large-bore ballistic weapons?
Looks like it’s time for another round of RAPID-FIRE REVIEWS! With special guest star, Ted McGinnis! And Jerry Mathers as the Stephen!
Or – “Three Stories, No Waiting…”
Right now, the Guardians have broken up, and varous factions thereof are engaged in individual missions throughout known space. Phyla-Vell and Drax The Destroyer have set off in search of the one woman they both love: Heather Douglas, the creature known as Moondragon. Of course, the presence of a dead guy about to squot Phyla’s head like a punkin with his fist of cosmic awesomeness could possibly imply that there has been a snag in this particular quest…
