When it comes to matters tonsorial, there are always those who push the envelope. Welcome to Ten Things: Ten Ridiculous Haircuts!
Whooshman-Bicarbonate Films, in conjunction with An Amateur Comics Historian and Vidal Sassoon, Presents:
TEN THINGS: TEN RIDICULOUS HAIRCUTS!
10) GUY GARDNER
Initially chosen as Hal Jordan’s backup as Green Lantern of Sector 2814, Guy Gardner was gravely wounded in an accident, eventually falling into a coma for several years. When he emerged, his personality was entirely changed, making him aggressive, hyper-competitive and angry that he was sidelined as the “real” Green Lantern. He also CHOSE to have his hair look like the time Beaver Cleaver’s mom put a cereal bowl on his head and trimmed his bangs.
In the future reality of Earth-928 (aka Marvel 2099), Gabriel Hess discovered that he had the mutant power of technopathy and the ability to fuse with machine systems and control them. This made him a target for the alien Phalanx, leaving him and his X-Nation comrades on the run. When last seen, Nostromo was given the throne of Latveria, with his mane of impossibly bouncy, lustrous hair flowing around his head. I suspect that it’s actually made of techno-organic wire, because I’ve had long hair, and it never did anything like Nostromo’s does.
But THREE PONYTAILS.
In an undesignated alternate future reality dubbed ‘At Earth’s End’, Superman has survived the Great Disaster, seemingly by growing an indestructible mane and beard of Santa Claus-ian proportions. He then fights twin clones of Hitler in a story that isn’t so much terrible as it is boring and hyperbolic.
That big block of auto parts is ostensibly a giant machine gun, which should tell you what you need to know about this Superman story.
Able to manipulate the extramensional shadow/substance known as Darkforce, Jillian Woods became an acolyte and associate of Doctor Druid, later joining his arcane task force, The Shock Troop and later The Secret Defenders. It’s unclear how or why she wore Jessica Drew’s Spider-Woman costume (Jessica was depowered and inactive as a superhero at the time), but she completed the illusion of Jessica’s huge mane by infusing her hair with Darkforce power, making it seem as though her tresses were several yards long.
5) GROW-ARM-HAIR LAD
Harry Kidd has a legitimate superhuman power, which is more than you can say for many would-be crime fighters and vigilantes, and while it’s hard to see how it might give him an advantage in punching crime, you have to admire the boy’s chutzpah. His one recorded adventure had him assembled with other supers on the kitchen table of a cosmic being, only to find that he had actually wanted “supper beans.”
What? It’s ridiculous hair!
One of the rare wild hairdos of the 90s that has a canonical explanation, Robbie Baldwin’s legendary “jello hair” is imbued with the same kinetic energy that gives him his powers. Initially resembling a well-swirled soft serve ice cream cone, he grew it out during his time with the New Warriors, creating a majestic swirling mass of blonde locks. One of the only downsides to Darick Robertson’s time on New Warriors was the complete collapse of Speedball’s hair, though that Speedball was later retconned to have been an impostor all along.
A member of the Shi’ar Imperial Guard, real name unknown, his unique Napoleon Hat “haircut” is actually a tuft of feathers, since his race is evolved from avians rather than hominids. With his mighty electromagnetic powers, Electron is meant to evoke Cosmic Boy of the Legion of Super-Heroes, a fact that can be seen in his costume, though Electron can also throw bolts of lightning.
With her massive wedge of hair setting off her furry body, Maria Callasantos looks unequivocally cool, especially with the ‘Bride of Frankenstein’ stripes that somehow naturally occur. That said, it’s also just plain goofy, especially for a character who is a scrapper and hand-to-hand fighter to have such an obvious grabbing hazard, and it’s fun to imagine her in the Morlock Tunnels teasing and spraying it to the proper height or segmenting off her highlights with foil.
1) MISS AMERICA
Originally worn by FBI agent Diane Martin, the Miss America armor was passed to Maria Nagisa after Diane was wounded in battle. A member of Battle Fever J, a team with a dance theme, Miss America utilized disco dancing in her move set, and the beautiful Farrah Fawcett mane is actually a part of her costume! (Both Diane and Maria have straight black hair when untransformed.) A co-production of Toei and Marvel Comics, Battle Fever J was actually conceived as an adaptation of Captain America, ala the Japanese Spider-Man program, making her sort of an alternate version of that other famous blonde superhero, Steve Rogers.
Thanks to Faithful Spoilerite Stu (@Megatron46) for this week’s topic, Ten Ridiculous Haircuts. Feel free to follow along @MightyKingCobra for more Ten Things madness on Twitter or check out the full Twitter archive here! As with any set of like items, these aren’t meant to be hard and fast or absolutely complete, if only because there’s not such thing as too avant garde in comic books. Either way, the comments section is Below for just such an emergency, but, as always: Please, no wagering!