Fans of Critical Hit know that I spent something like half a decade wielding an imaginary battle-axe.  Even having since switched to way-cool swords, I still sometimes miss the ability to chop the bajeezus out of the things in my fictional path.  Now that my wife is trying to get me hooked on her favorite swords and sorcery vidja game, I’m having issues balancing the big ol’ blade versus dual-wield issues, leading us to today’s fighty-fighty query…

The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always, “misquoted”) would like to reiterate that we’re speaking in hypothetical, fictional terms, of a version of you that would be active in heroic fiction, and not telling you to go get a spear and take it on the subway, asking: Which melee weapon would you choose to be your signature implement of battle?

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  1. Starks Scraps
    January 9, 2017 at 11:40 am — Reply

    It’s odd because in video games and stuff I tend to pick faster weapons; daggers, short swords, etc. All of my D&D characters tend to carry giant hammers.

  2. Tim Kiester
    January 9, 2017 at 1:08 pm — Reply

    I have always been a sucker for a good mace. The spikier the better. There is just something comforting about wading into a combat encounter and not having to worry about being flashy, just filled with the unadulterated joy of bashing heads. Sometimes you can throw a bit of chain on there, just to mix it up. I blame it on my childhood fascination with Castlevania. When I first discovered that a “morning star” was not a spiked ball at the end of a chain, I was devastated, but then D&D opened my eyes to how cool the basic spiked mace really is. Not to say that I have not played around with the spiked chain as a weapon as well. I ran a goblin paladin in 3.5e who was dex based. When I pitched the idea to my DM at the time, he was hesitant, but when I armed the little guy with a spiked chain as a weapon and cast him in the light of throwing off the chains of his oppressors, he gave in. I ran that character from level 3 up to level 20, and it was the most fun I have ever had as a player. I have nothing against characters with bladed weapons, it has just never been my thing.

  3. January 9, 2017 at 1:38 pm — Reply

    I like elegant look of Japanese swords. Also a huge samurai movies fan. My pick is a nodachi. (Two handed long sword)

  4. DamienR
    January 9, 2017 at 2:42 pm — Reply

    A Meteor Hammer (see Gogo from Kill Bill Vol.1) as a first line of defence/attack, with a Bat’leth for in-close work.

  5. Hannah
    January 9, 2017 at 3:21 pm — Reply

    It’s a tough choice between a BF-Hammer or just my fists and superior kung-fu. A fictionalized version of me would be one of these.

  6. January 9, 2017 at 3:36 pm — Reply

    I wanted to say a bladed staff weapon of some sort, but I think I would go with a simple well made katana simply because I’m most comfortable with them and have had practical training in how to use one (a perk of an instructor being in my old LARP group and my own desire to bring some realism to the game). That doesn’t mean I would be most formidable with one or that I’m any sort of expert, but I would at least be able to handle the weapon without hurting myself.

  7. Robbie Warnock
    January 9, 2017 at 9:10 pm — Reply

    I would like to have a nice small dagger, preferably one I could use as a flute to call my buddy with the finger-nail missiles and the drill-tail.

  8. Jason Tyler
    January 10, 2017 at 7:15 am — Reply

    Dual wielding axes. Hang them from belt, use one, two, throw one, whatever. Very verisitle and deadly.

  9. Leona Thompson
    January 10, 2017 at 11:47 pm — Reply

    I have a fondness for daggers as I like to move about quickly a lot and get in and out of range. Failing speed, I like to keep my distance, so my melee back up tends to be a pole arm of some sort.

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The Author

Matthew Peterson

Matthew Peterson

Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture!

And a nice red uniform.