Punisher killed all the heroes in his universe. Deadpool killed everyone in his universe, as well as literature and every known version of himself. Since it’s a money-making theme, it’s no surprise that Spawn would get in on the action in Spawn Kills Everyone #1. Sounds like fun right? Well…
Previously in Spawn: Al Simmons made a deal with the devil to come back and see his wife. Of course, the devil tricked him and sent him back five years later with a charred face, symbiotic costume and finite powers. Over the course of 264 issues, he’s since killed his master, abandoned both Heaven and Hell, committed suicide and returned from the grave once more. This book has nothing to do with that at all.
DID A 6 YEAR OLD WRITE THIS?
I didn’t know what to expect going in to Spawn Kills Everyone. I’ve enjoyed books like Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe and Deadpool Kills Deadpool so I figured I’d enjoy reading the Spawn version as well. Plus, as a long time Spawn fan/reader (I own every Spawn issue to date) there had to be something to like right? WRONG!!!
First, the baby Spawn you see on the cover isn’t just McFarlane doing a Scottie Young variant riff. That’s the Spawn we get in this comic, and turns out, is the real world’s Spawn. That’s right, Spawn is really a short, chubby dickhead character in our world (where this story takes place). The “plot” of the issue is stupidly simple: Spawn wants to make an announcement about his new movie and is at San Diego Comic Con to do it because that’s where all the big comic related movie headlines are made. Through various interactions, Spawn mistakes cosplayers as real superheroes and kills them so they can’t announce their movies. This issue is so bad, I was actually mad after reading it. I’m not one to hate on a book and find I actually enjoy most everything I read somewhat. There is always something I like. Not here.
I refuse to believe that Todd McFarlane wrote this. Every joke, even the premise, feels like it was written by a 6-year-old boy. I never laughed and barely got a couple of small chuckles. There is not one but two fart jokes back to back and thanks to Suicide Squad #1 makes this two of three comics I read released this week using bodily functions as a plot point. Here’s an exact line after Spawn kills a Deadpool cosplayer: “There goes your sequel, Ryan! Because you’re now DEAD in a POOL of blood…” That’s the kind of joke $2.99 gets you nowadays folks. Nothing here hits and is instead groan worthy. There’s a decent Donald Trump/Red Skull joke and I liked seeing Todd McFarlane get murdered just because I thought it was appropriate after writing something like this. The book is insulting, not just to Spawn fans, but readers in general.
CUTE GRAPHIC VIOLENCE
J.J. Kirby’s style could be called “Skottie Young light” if you wanted to be mean, but it at least helps make the violence and gore more acceptable for those with weak stomachs. Since it is people dressed up as the comic book characters, McFarlane and Kirby are able to get away with using the actual names and likenesses legally. J.J. Kirby does a good job interpreting some of the heroes and variety of cosplay types. Everything is exaggerated like a cartoon and Spawn looks like a large baby. It’s not bad art, just not my cup of tea for a Spawn book. I guess it’s a good fit to go along with the immature writing. The coloring looks fantastic and makes the art pop off the page. Even with nothing outstanding to speak of, the artwork is still the best thing about the comic.
BOTTOM LINE: DON’T EVEN READ THIS
There’s nothing in Spawn Kills Everyone that justifies spending money on it, or even reading it. As a giant Spawn fan I found it insulting and maddening that Todd McFarlane would want to put out something of this quality. It’s a half-baked idea at best. What’s worse is it had potential to be good. Maybe if the actual Spawn character were used and fought Invincible or killed every Image book it would have been enjoyable or humorous. Unfortunately, all we get is a comic that a child might find funny if it were appropriate for them to read. Minus the decent art, Spawn Kills Everyone is horrible in every way. I haven’t even gone into the idea that overly sensitive people might find the concept of someone dressed like Spawn committing a real world mass shooting upsetting. Too much space has been wasted talking about this garbage already. Do yourself a favor and DON’T BUY THIS COMIC! Don’t even read it! I’m shocked it’s getting a second print and if it wasn’t for our rating system automatically calculating the total, I would give this book 1 out of 5 stars. I haven’t hated a comic this much in a long, long, long time.
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