The reviews of Adam Sandler’s new flick, ‘Pixels’, have not been kind.  indeed, some have been downright brutal, with more than one person in my social media nominating it as the latest Worst Movie Of All Time.  Having not seen the film firsthand, and having no intention of ever doing so, Peter Dinklage or not, I can’t comment upon its quality.  I can, however, tell you that there are a great many half-assed, artless, rock-stupid film experiences to be had in the last hunnert years or so, and it will be hard to out-bad the likes of ‘Manos: The Hands Of Fate,’ ‘Battlefield Earth,’ and (Roger help us all) ‘North.’  What I’m saying is, I watched ‘Baby Geniuses’ and those brain cells ain’t comin’ back, which leads us to today’s cringe-worthy query…

The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always, “misquoted”) will be happy to complain about the ‘Constantine’ movie all day, but still has trouble quantifying even that sludgefest the WORST ever, asking: What’s the REAL worst movie of all time in your eyes?

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Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture! And a nice red uniform.

23 Comments

  1. Matthew, this is crying out to be a Top Five podcast! Worst five films you’ve ever seen. No “so bad it’s good” entries (I loved that episode), just sheer agonising junk.

    I would like to nominate:

    Almighty Thor.

    So fricking bad that I stopped watching it after 20 minutes. Big Daddy Cool himself playing Odin (with two eyes, have they no respect for the source material?!) and as far as I can tell, reading his lines from a sheet of paper and making his strong silent character of Diesel seem a far superior idea. Kevin Nash himself I kinda like though, once had a good chat about popular science with him on twitter. And he was fun in Punisher but again, no dialogue…hmm…

    Now, I am a fan of good bad films ( I won’t hear a word against Street Fighter…) but this cash-in film made as often so many are, to capitalise on the big budget (it was released at the same time as Marvel’s Thor) is without question, the most awful pile of crap I have ever had the misfortune to attempt to watch.

    I have seen similarly junk films, Dungeons and Dragons: The Book Of Vile Darkness being one, where the SFX looks like it was done on a home PC and the acting was the equivalent of a fan film of a fan film but compared to the agony of editing, acting and “special” “effects” of Almighty Thor, that was an oscar winner, not least because I managed to watch the whole thing.

    It’s hard to form an objective review based on 20 minutes of my internal monologue screaming to switch it off but the very fact I *had* to switch it off when I’ve watched and strangely enjoyed things like the Danny Trejo opus “Bad Ass 2: Bad Asses” (which was worth it for the Danny Glover fart jokes) suggests to me that in the pantheon of tripe, the Allfather of crapola is Almighty Thor.

    I look forward to seeing what the other Spoilerites suggest and whether I’m brave enough to watch them.

    • I still prefer “The Book of Vile Darkness” over the first D&D film, but I do agree it was pretty bad. The second movie, though, while not the best movie ever, was the only one I really felt worthy of the D&D label. The FX weren’t the greatest, but the story and characters felt a lot closer to a D&D story than the first and third films.

  2. I believe I’ve mentioned it often enough, but just to be sure there is no mistake, I’ll mention it again. Spice World, the Spice Girls movie. It is not just bad, it is sheer torture. I wouldn’t wish watching it on my worst enemies unless I seriously wanted to see them suffer.

    Most other bad movies at least have SOME redeeming quality, even if it is just fodder for my goddaughter and I to make MST3K style commentary as we watch, or are so bad that they are hilarious.

      • There are very, very few movies that are so bad that I’ll have a physical reaction to them, but Spice World was such a bad movie that I actually felt ill. I really, really wish I could say I was joking about that.

  3. There are too many bad movies out there to narrow it down to just one.
    Off the top of my head: The aforementioned Battlefield Earth, Highlander 2, and The Conqueror (John Wayne as Genghis Khan).

    • The only reason I didn’t list Highlander 2 is that I like to delude myself that it simply doesn’t exist.

      Plus, after Highlander: The Source, it really doesn’t seem as bad (which is a really, really depressing considering just how bad Highlander 2 is).

      • ST 5 is the same way for me. It was such a wretched movie. About the only thing I remember is the crew acting like a bunch of buffoons.

  4. Robert Hulshof-Schmidt on

    Eyes Wide Shut – impenetrable plot, lousy acting, grauitous scenes galore, absolute bomb from a great director. Hard to beat IMHO.

  5. God Matthew, I love that you dropped a Baby Geniuses reference! I know people love it because of its horribleness, but isn’t Plan 9 from Outer Space still widely considered a bad movie. Not just plot, but the actual execution. Directing, editing, props falling down…

  6. Frederick Pagliarulo on

    So many to choose from! These three come to mind…

    Monster a Go-Go! (1965)
    Hobgoblins (1988)
    Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (2014)

  7. Left Behind (the original movie) was pretty bad indeed. I hear the Nicholas Cage remake is even worse, but you won’t catch me attempting to find out if I agree.

    Even so, the worst movie I ever watched is probably House of the Dead. The videogame sentences, unpleasant and unconnected as they were, still managed to be the high point of that train wreck of a movie.

  8. Julie.Dragonqueen on

    The Avengers. Not the Marvel movie, the one from 1998 that was a remake of the 60’s BBC spy show.
    I actually saw it in the theater in 1998. The only reason I can think of why I didn’t leave in the middle of it was the sheer shock and disbelief that this thing could be so bad.
    It had Sean Connery in a teddy bear outfit, Eddie Izzard in the role of a non-speaking assassin, and radio controlled robot bees.
    You would think that would give it enough oomph to be “charmingly campy” bad. But no, this thing is absolutely terrible.

    BTW, just looked it up. 5% on Rotten Tomatoes.

  9. Monster-a-Go-Go will always be my go-to worst movie because it literally had no reason to exist. Nothing of interest or logic happens, and then Mr. Narrator tells you that none of what you did see ever happened. It’s pure torture even with MST3k helping, and I cannot imagine how much worse it was unMSTed.

  10. Highlander 2. I had yet to see a film so bad that I can’t even MST3K my way through until that drek. Ugh.

    -Chad

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