As a young’n, I always found myself fascinated by the strange and contradictory backstory of Cobra Commander.  Depending on whom you asked (and when) he might have been a used car salesman with a pyramid scheme, a terrorist mastermind or a mutated creature from a hidden world beyond our ken.  (“Onnnccce wasss aaa maaaaaan.”)  The idea of reading a Chuck Barris-style autobiography explaining and streamlining all of these stories into one cohesive narrative is a fascinating one, right up there with the millenia-long musings of Galactus or finally getting to find out what it is that makes that damn cat so grumpy.  (I suspect it rhymes with “feutering.”)  Given the sheer number of fascinating types in fiction, especially those with murky backgrounds (Looking at you, Shepherd Book) you have to think there’s some fascinating books just waiting to be written, which begs a query…

The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always, “misquoted”) heard that Ash Ketchum once killed a man in Reno, just for snoring too loud, perhaps, asking: What fictional character’s autobiography do you think would make the best read?

The Author

Matthew Peterson

Matthew Peterson

Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture!

And a nice red uniform.

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7 Comments

  1. August 16, 2013 at 11:59 am — Reply

    Sokichi Banba, also known as Big One of J.A.K.Q., because he’s just that awesome. For those of you who have no idea who he is, he’s sorta like the Sentai equivalent of Tommy Oliver from Power Rangers, except 1000% more awesome. He joined the team as a Ranger later than the others, but he keeps popping back up to interact with or help other Sentai teams every so often even after all these years. And he’s quite the snappy dresser. And did I mention he’s a cyborg?

    I think The Doctor and Jack Harkness would have interesting tales to tell as well.

    And just for the sake of insanity, I’d be quite amused to read Eel O’Brian’s autobiography.

  2. Shush
    August 16, 2013 at 12:41 pm — Reply

    Whichever characters that are already great writers. Just being an interesting character doesn’t mean that they can put their life story down on paper in an interesting fashion. (At least not without a ghost writer.)

  3. Xander
    August 16, 2013 at 2:43 pm — Reply

    Sauron from the Lord of the Rings. A majority of People only know him from the Lord of the Rings movies and I want to see his reign as a werewolf king shown to the public!

  4. Elijah Williams
    August 16, 2013 at 3:04 pm — Reply

    The Wall. I’d like to know where his life went after that dreaded encounter with Spider-Man.

  5. Ron
    August 16, 2013 at 6:55 pm — Reply

    R.J. Brande. He must’ve lead quite an interesting life for so many people to want him dead.

  6. DudeX
    August 16, 2013 at 8:07 pm — Reply

    The Joker, it could be a Make Your Own Adventure book.

  7. August 17, 2013 at 7:28 am — Reply

    I think James Bond would have an interesting autobiography. But only if it focused on the women and not the spy stuff. The idea of him confessing all the various feelings he had for these women, or lack of, would be fascinating to me. Maybe even base the entire thing on the idea that he has a sex addiction.

    James Bond: The 007 Women I Wish I Could Have Loved

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