Last weeks MS-QOTDs left me mulling over scary things and scary movies, and I killed part of my weekend checking out a few of my favorite spine-chilling films out of nostalgia.  The original ‘Amityville Horror’, ‘Paranormal Activity’ and the B-52 sequence of ‘Heavy Metal’ share little in tone or construction, but they do have one major item in common:  They scare the bajeezus out of me.  As anyone who counts Major Spoilers Super Sentai reference can tell you, once something enters my head, iexpect it to stick around for a while, and today’s boring work-day led to me considering my chances of surviving in those fictional horror universes.  (In order, the answers are “Possibly,” “Certainly, so long as I’m not a tool like Micah”, and “Nooope.”)  Speed didn’t help the victims of Jason Voorhees, so I wouldn’t have too much of a handicap there, but I wouldn’t last long around Rick Grimes, having long since wandered off into the woods to get away from those people.  Either way, the give-and-take of my cinematic ruminations filled a dull Thursday afternoon (Best Chance For Matthew Survival = “Nightbreed”, in case ya wondered) but also begs a query…

The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always, “misquoted”) kicked that #@&*ing map in the #@&*ing river yesterday, asking: How would you survive in a horror movie universe and which one would you choose?

The Author

Matthew Peterson

Matthew Peterson

Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture!

And a nice red uniform.

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11 Comments

  1. Gary
    May 17, 2013 at 1:41 pm — Reply

    I think Scream explored this pretty well for the slasher subgenre of horror… but, I’ll take the easy way out and say I would survive “Blair Witch Project” universe BY NOT LOOKING FOR THE FREAKING BLAIR WITCH.

  2. May 17, 2013 at 3:33 pm — Reply

    As much as I’d love to say my survival tactic in any vampire-related horror movie would be “Become a vampire”, I’m not sure I’d be able to survive as one because I have a very rare allergy to human blood, and I don’t know if that would transfer over if I became a vampire. Very first blood transfusion I got when going through treatment for Leukemia almost killed me because of it. I CAN get transfusions, it just takes time to prepare the blood so that it won’t kill me. If I’m ever in an accident and need blood immediately, I’m screwed.

    I guess if anything, I’d hope to get stuck in the “Shaun of the Dead” world (even if it isn’t pure horror and is more comedy) and just stay inside until the governments get a handle on things. I live in an area with frequent power outages, tornadoes in summer and heavy snow in winter, so I have an emergency survival kit prepared with non-perishable foods and plenty of water, so I’m already ready to just wait it out. I also have a cricket bat just in case (as well as swords, but they aren’t as cool as a cricket bat for bashing in zombie heads).

  3. May 17, 2013 at 4:50 pm — Reply

    I’d probably survive until the giant hand crushes the earth

    • TumorFace
      May 17, 2013 at 6:27 pm — Reply

      Hehehe, good to see I wasn’t the only one thinking of THAT movie (no title, because SPOILERS). It really presented the worst case scenario in a horror movie, which is that no matter what you do you lose. In my opinion those are the best (i.e. scariest) kind, but also the worst kind to be stuck in.

  4. B.V.K.
    May 17, 2013 at 7:58 pm — Reply

    If you think about it most horror monsters/killers can be solved with the seconded amendment and not doing something stupid like chasing the monster, not believing the monster exists until its too late, splitting up while under attack, or trying to save the person in the hopeless situation (think the Shane and Otis situation in Walking Dead).
    psycho killer < Gun
    vampire < wooden bullets (see Hellboy and Van Helsing)
    werewolf < silver bullets
    zombies < LOTS of guns
    giant monster < giant guns
    ghosts < electric guns

    So if I can listen to Jack Sparrow and try not to do anything stupid, I would like to thin I would be ok in a variety of situations.

    • B.V.K.
      May 17, 2013 at 8:15 pm — Reply

      If I had to choose one I would go with Ghostbusters universe cause I would want to use techno gadgets to giht ghosts while Bill Murray cracked wise.

      • May 17, 2013 at 10:09 pm — Reply

        I didn’t even think of Ghostbusters because I never thought of it in terms of even a comedy horror. That is one of my favorite settings, so I’d definitely love being stuck there.

        Just remember, if something asks if you are a god, you say YES.

    • ChrisInTexas
      May 17, 2013 at 8:24 pm — Reply

      I agree, the answer to most Horror survival situations is more and larger guns, more ammo and a cool head.

      As the token fat guy, I am always on the lookout for the Shanes of the world. I try to live by the rule, If you accidently shoot a strangers kid; don’t volunteer to help his unstable, dbag, best friend retrieve medical supplies from a zombie infested aid station.

      In the unlikely event that you do help, never trust said dbag and under no circumstances tell him how many shots you have left in your gun. I also advise to follow the example of Han Solo and shoot first.

      • B.V.K.
        May 18, 2013 at 8:43 pm — Reply

        I think you could kill a horror monster with the awesome in your statement.

  5. Shush
    May 18, 2013 at 1:31 am — Reply

    I have heard it said that the difference between the Horror Genre and the Thriller Genre is the ability of which the characters are able to cope and fight back.

    Story-wise, if one has the ability to capably and effectively fight back, then one is not in a horror movie. (Knowing this, one can also realize that shows like Doctor Who fall under the horror genre.)

    Anyway, the storytelling logic follows that if I am in a Horror Movie I will not survive. Not unless I can use that meta-knowledge to proactively change the genre!

  6. fanboyio
    May 18, 2013 at 6:29 am — Reply

    I don’t do drugs or have much sex. I’m also not from a racial minority, so according to the laws of horror I’m fine at least until the 3rd act

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