With the announcement that The Walt Disney Company has purchased Lucasfilm, half of the Internet is very nervous that Disney could monkey around with the property and ruin it completely. We’ve taken a moment to reflect on the pros and cons of this concern, and have discovered five ways Disney could both ruin and improve the Star Wars movies at the same time.

5. Singing Pit Droids

When Anakin Skywalker leads Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan to Watto’s shop in Mos Espa, movie goers got to see a slew of Pit Droids running around, doing various tasks and chores. With a little Disney meddling, the droids could all sing “It’s A Small World After All,” which would not only create that needed Disney/Lucasfilm synergy, but would be an eerie meta moment as it would foreshadow Tatooine and Anakin’s role in the films.

4. Replace the Wilhelm Scream with the Goofy Holler

For years people have believed that the Wilhelm Scream and the Goofy Holler were the same thing. They are, in fact, not. But, when the Stormtrooper falls to his death in Episode IV: A New Hope, replacing The Scream with The Holler would totally put the Disney stamp on the Star Wars empire once and for all.

A fan has already done it for us to prove the point.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzrgOzMet9c?rel=0]

3. Star Wars: Episode VII: The Phantom Blot Menace

If the dark side is to rise again, Disney doesn’t have to look far for a character to lead the new Sith Empire – The Phantom Blot.

What do you mean you don’t know who the Phantom Blot is?

The criminal mastermind plagued Mickey Mouse for years, and for decades no one knew who it was. Sounds like the next Emperor Palpatine to me. And, if you believe the rumors that the character revealed in Mickey Mouse Outwits The Phantom Blot was based on Walt Disney himself, the circle of Disney influence in the Star Wars universe is complete.

2. We’re sitting ducks!

That line has caused all sorts of problems for Star Wars linguists for decades, and even though Lucasfilm seems to have addressed it, simply adding Launchpad McQuack’s famous quote. “Any crash you can walk away from… “ into the background scene of the Mos Eisley spaceport scene, would take care of that problem once and for all.

1. Replace Jar-Jar Binks with Jaxxon

Sure, Jar-Jar Binks is annoying, so instead of removing the character completely, why not replace him with a seven foot tall green rabbit? The Lepi smuggler could bring the needed comedic relief to the franchise, as the hapless smuggler who is only looking for a few bucks to repair his constantly broken starship. Best of all, with Jaxxon comes Amaiza Foxtrain… need we say more?

See? What are you worried about? This merger has awesome written all over it.

The Author

Stephen Schleicher

Stephen Schleicher

Stephen Schleicher began his career writing for the Digital Media Online community of sites, including Digital Producer and Creative Mac covering all aspects of the digital content creation industry. He then moved on to consumer technology, and began the Coolness Roundup podcast. A writing fool, Stephen has freelanced for Sci-Fi Channel's Technology Blog, and Gizmodo. Still longing for the good ol' days, Stephen launched Major Spoilers in July 2006, because he is a glutton for punishment.

You can follow him on Twitter @MajorSpoilers and tell him your darkest secrets...

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  1. October 31, 2012 at 12:04 pm — Reply

    Jaxxon is the Jar Jar of his species. The rest are pretty cool, but he’s the one going around making the rest seem silly. Now the Lepi are reduced to appearing at shopping plazas to hand out brightly colored Nuna eggs for a Corellian spring holiday.

  2. Tim P
    April 17, 2014 at 7:50 pm — Reply

    Also with scraping the Expanded Universe as it’s to be books or comics or videos prequel, sequel, midquel or interquel to the movies. They should have regular novels to the upcoming films. Marvel movies had junior novels to them since the Thor movie and Captain America First Avenger. Those could be other ways Disney ruins Star Wars. Maybe Warner Brothers should’ve gotten the legal rights and then the Star Wars license could go to DC Comics. I am an activist on care2.

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