Mysterious ships are being totted around by the military. Faces are being eaten off by humans. These certainly are the times we have secretly dreamed would happen. Most of you probably have a rudimentary idea of what you would do if a zombie apocalypse broke out, or signs pre-made to welcome extra-terrestrials to our world. But if I had to choose between invasion, or the dead coming back to life, I’m going with ET every time. And here I present my Top Ten reasons why.
Through out the history of cinema life forms from other planets have been broached in a manner of different ways. Independence Day, Mars Attacks!, District 9, and Galaxy Quest all presented extraterrestrials in unique fashions: color, shape, size, attitudes, modes of transportation, language. But with zombies the only real question is whether they will walk or run. When that first spaceship lands on Earth there will be a sense of anticipation to see the face of the race that seeks to enslave the world. There will be no surprise when I see that first decomposing human stumbling towards me.
Multi-National United had one purpose in mind when a massive star ship stalled over Johannesburg, harness the power of their weapons. While understanding the power of laser-based weaponry is great (just one step closer to lightsabers), they overlooked an even greater technology, the massive freaking ship floating above their heads for 20 years! Our future invaders will have figured out traveling between the stars to reach our blue ball of life and you can bet we will too once they reach us. I give it 5 years after first contact before we have flying cars.
8. Going to Space
Once Jack Bower is called in to pull info from our first E.T.P.O.W., we will know from what corner of space our enemy comes from. Combine that with our new space traveling capabilities and we will be knocking on Marvin the Martian’s door in no time. While humans from across the world will be called on to fight the space menace, eventually we all will be able to be amongst the stars when it becomes commercialized (most likely owned by Richard Branson and James Cameron). With zombies we are firmly stuck here.
7. Outcome If We Fail
Let’s be honest, that isn’t going to happen. But for the sake of argument imagine for a second that we don’t come out on top. In the case of a zombie apocalypse, we’re screwed. Zombies have nothing to gain if we’re alive. Zombies are simple creatures that want to eat brains; nothing more, nothing less. With aliens there is a glimmer of hope. Could the whole planet be destroyed by a laser controlled by a T-bar? Of course. But there are a few alternatives aliens could offer. Enslavement wouldn’t be so bad, especially if we were shipped back to their home world. A popular choice of mine would be experimentation. The worst that happens here is that I’m probed a few times, but the plus side is that I might be fused together with any number of animals. I’m hoping for kangaroo.
“Sir, I would like to extend to you this peace agreement in which both humans and zombified-humans may live peacefully.”
“Sorry I missed that.”
“Come again? Wait, no please don’t!” Ahhhhhhh!”
Zombie eats President’s brain.
“Sir, I would like to extend to you this peace agreement in which both our race and yours may co-exist peacefully.”
Translating computer runs quickly, then says,”Of course! We Plutonians are a respectful and peaceful race that wishes nothing more than to open a line of trade with this planet you call Earth.”
Human and Plutonian leaders sign the treaty and both economies flourish under the new established trade possibilities.
Lessons to learn: 1) Zombies want to eat your brain. 2) We always seem to have computers to translate all manner of alien languages and dialects.
5. Dead Is Dead
What is the only way to kill one of the living dead? Correct, by destroying the brain. Zombie 101 I know but it is an important point. Anything less than a head shot and it will keep on killing, eating, and creating more soldiers for their horde. I especially don’t want to start hunting the living once I reanimate after I meet my end (again though, that would never happen). The zombies ability to grow their numbers easily and their specific way of meeting their end puts another tally under “Alien Invasion”.
4. Area 51 Revealed
We all know it’s there already, but an alien invasion will push the government’s hand to officially state we have a base that has been collecting evidence of other lifeforms for years. This announcement will invoke celebratory blog posts from people in dark rooms, and, the best repercussion, arcades will put back the greatest first-person shooter ever, Area 51.
3. Questions Answered
Once we have sealed our peace treaty with our off-world visitors, I envision their leader will skip the boring press junkets, I mean who wants to be asked multiple iterations of the same question over and over? No, they will forego that and head to the place where the real-hard questions are asked, Twitter. With millions of users from around the globe we will get answers to the burning questions we as humans have had for years.
- “What else is out there?”
- “What’s the deal with Stone Henge?”
- “Why crop circles?”
- “Did Cobb’s top stop spinning?”
- “Wanna see more pictures of me http://bit.ly/LoorPO?”
- “Are you a mom wanting to work from home? click the link to make 25k a month. http://bit.ly/SNglt“
It’s Twitter, it would eventually devolve to that.
2. Killing Your Family
A zombie troupe that has been used again and again, specifically in that show The Walking Dead, is facing the moral dilemma of deciding to kill those you love once they turn. This scenario is generally accompanied with much personal anguish, close-up shots of characters faces, swelling music, and the impending commercial break. These are things with which I always try to avoid.
1. The Smell
Close your eyes and imagine this if you will: Summer is in full swing in Atlanta, Georgia, the home of the C.D.C. and the obvious starting point of a zombie apocalypse. As the number of decaying bodies begins to grow, a wave of funk begins wafting throughout the city. But wait there’s more. Zombies are eating the flesh and intestines of animals and humans, all that waste has to pass through the bodies and now there is fecal matter scattered all over the streets. But wait there’s more. Summer in Atlanta means temperatures in the 90′s with high humidity, both contributing to vomit-inducing smells which will only make the whole stink situation worse. The smell factor alone is enough for me to declare that I would rather be invaded by an unknown species than deal with a stumbling, mumbling, decaying, defecating horde.
There you have it, my Top Ten reasons why an alien invasion trumps a zombie apocalypse. Have I missed any factors that tip the scale farther in the invasion favor? Or do you believe that a zombie apocalypse is the more favorable situation? Let me know in the comments section below.