Critical Hit recording sessions always leave me totally overamped and excited, and the latest one was no exception.  I’ve played a lot of sessions of a lot of games (often ignoring a lot of rules) but I love how our Critical Hit team hits a real sweet spot in terms of player and character balance.  With the addition of a new party member and some sweet official character designs from the always-amazing Thomas Perkins, I’ve been contemplating the meta-existence of Orem, Torq, Randus, Trelle and Ket.  I’m absolutely pleased at the our new status as a tradition Five Man Band like G-Force or the Captain Planet kids, but my inner nerd knows that the Five Man Band is often joined by a Sixth Ranger, which has gotten my mental gears a-turning (always a dangerous proposition.)

The MS-QOTD (pronounced, as always, “misquoted”) has a THaC0 of -3, asking: What fictional character would you choose to be a purely hypothetical sixth Critical Hit party member, and why?

The Author

Matthew Peterson

Matthew Peterson

Once upon a time, there was a young nerd from the Midwest, who loved Matter-Eater Lad and the McKenzie Brothers... If pop culture were a maze, Matthew would be the Minotaur at its center. Were it a mall, he'd be the Food Court. Were it a parking lot, he’d be the distant Cart Corral where the weird kids gather to smoke, but that’s not important right now... Matthew enjoys body surfing (so long as the bodies are fresh), writing in the third person, and dark-eyed women. Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: Fear! Surprise! Ruthless efficiency! An almost fanatical devotion to pop culture!

And a nice red uniform.

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  1. June 14, 2012 at 2:28 pm — Reply

    And yes, I think I’d vote for Alice Nelson, who in D&D terms would be a powerful cleric of the lost deity Mistahklean…

  2. The_Bear_Jew
    June 14, 2012 at 2:34 pm — Reply

    Data, you guys lack common sense most of the time.

    • June 14, 2012 at 2:39 pm — Reply

      And you pick Data for common sense?!

  3. June 14, 2012 at 2:40 pm — Reply

    Batman, because everything is better with Batman… and cake…

    • Locknestra
      June 14, 2012 at 4:07 pm — Reply

      First off, the cake is a LIE

      and secondly… yes. Batman FTW.

    • Ricco
      June 14, 2012 at 5:14 pm — Reply

      Nah, he’s too busy, hire his none union Mexican counterpart instead: Batmanuel!

  4. June 14, 2012 at 2:41 pm — Reply

    You guys need a thief, but considering the amount of trouble you get yourselves into, you’d probably wind up with someone like Tasslehoff.

    Although, someone like Haley from Order of the Stick might work.


    • June 14, 2012 at 3:37 pm — Reply

      David Tasselhoff would improve our German numbers…

    • Locknestra
      June 14, 2012 at 4:12 pm — Reply

      As long as it’s Haley and not Elan, I think I’d agree with you!

      • Xaxelbrax
        June 14, 2012 at 5:18 pm — Reply

        But everything is better with a song.

        “sneak, sneak, sneak into the the enemy’s camp…”

        • Georgedubya
          June 14, 2012 at 6:43 pm — Reply

          I think a pairing of Torq and Elan would be hilarious and awesome, but someone further down has won my vote.

  5. Landle
    June 14, 2012 at 2:56 pm — Reply

    Tasslehoff would be spectacular!

    • Raistlin Majere
      June 15, 2012 at 7:01 am — Reply

      No! He brings nothing but trouble! /grin

      • Landle
        June 15, 2012 at 8:44 am — Reply

        This coming from the Sly One…=)

        • dp8351
          June 15, 2012 at 9:45 pm — Reply

          If we’re talking DL, Orem vs. Porthios would be a sight to see…

  6. Mark
    June 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm — Reply

    Tinkerbell. I mean, since pixies are a playable race now. ;)

  7. Russ Catt
    June 14, 2012 at 3:16 pm — Reply

    I vote Kvothe from “The Name of the Wind”
    We already have a mage who is kind of a swordsman
    A mage who is kind of a Battle commander
    and a mage who is kind of a robot
    so adding in a mage who is also a thief would be humorous.

  8. Praion
    June 14, 2012 at 3:17 pm — Reply

    Beast Boy! (the new red one)

    • Praion
      June 14, 2012 at 3:19 pm — Reply

      first cool thing that came to mind. Alternativley Aang or Koora to have a bit more firepower and general classical elements power….

      Now that i think about it, what about the Autumn Kings Knight – i want him (there is a king right?)

      • Praion
        June 14, 2012 at 3:19 pm — Reply

        Also Fluffy – he should return as a Demonlord…

  9. Locknestra
    June 14, 2012 at 4:11 pm — Reply

    Leela from Futurama!

    1) Girl Power
    2) You’d have someone decisive on the team
    3) Torq wouldn’t be the only one in melee
    4) The Planet Express ship will get you around the feywild a lot faster than walking… just saying.

  10. Xaxelbrax
    June 14, 2012 at 5:23 pm — Reply

    two words…

    Pope Mario!

  11. Slappy
    June 14, 2012 at 5:30 pm — Reply

    You need a Bard, to that end, I suggest a D&D Version of Buckaroo Banzai, but considering his genius, it could be him.
    For the Common Sense aspect that is sorely needed, Flint Fireforge gould handle that. Come on, he could handle Tasslehoff Burrfoot.

  12. Gehrigan
    June 14, 2012 at 6:31 pm — Reply

    “Al” the avenger from acquisitions inc. , bring someone intense into the mix.
    “Wil Hweeaton”

    • Georgedubya
      June 14, 2012 at 6:46 pm — Reply

      His name was AEOFEL!!!

      Sorry, since Wheaton isn’t here, I had to correct you for him.

      Seriously though, a meeting of Acquisitions Inc and the Torqueltones (SP?) would be great and I think Aeofel would be a great addition to the team. Also, hearing Torq try to pronounce his name = comedy gold.

      • Beren1
        June 27, 2012 at 9:46 am — Reply

        I have a feeling he would get the name absolutely correct from the very first attempt. And it would drive Whil even more crazy.

  13. Luke
    June 14, 2012 at 7:03 pm — Reply

    Bip as played by Marcel Marceau. I would give my right eye to listen to the adventures of a bardic mime. The rules would be a little tweaked but essentially his party would get the same buffs they would get from songs by him pantomiming the actions. IT WOULD BE AWESOME.

    • Triggernator
      June 18, 2012 at 2:16 am — Reply

      Slight problem with this idea, it’s an audio podcast, as in no-one would see him, just here the rest of the party laugh hysterically…

  14. Adam
    June 14, 2012 at 7:23 pm — Reply

    How about Army Chihuahua? Or maybe Axe Cop, he might give Torq a run for his money with the whole chopping off heads with an axe.

  15. Emilie
    June 14, 2012 at 7:43 pm — Reply

    The girl that Eragon accidently cursed to be “forever a shield from harm” which caused her to feel all the pain of everyone around her and let her see a short distance into the future, and gave her some other, freakier abilities, from the “Inheritance Cycle” by Christopher Paolini. Or Arya from the “A Song of Ice and Fire” series by George R. R. Martin, because she is this firey, angry girl who loves “dancing” meaning sword fighting, and is learning to be what is basically a priest of the Many Faced God, is what I think it is called (maybe it was He With Many Faces) who is every death god ever, all in one.

    • June 14, 2012 at 7:54 pm — Reply

      The “forever a shield from harm” girl was named Elva (I just re-read the series again not that long ago, so it was fresh in my memory).

  16. Eathu
    June 14, 2012 at 7:48 pm — Reply

    The Archive from Jim Butchers Dresden files book series, because a 7 year old girl who can use her mind to control a shard of metal that is from the space outside space (basically the far realm) that uncreates anything it touches and she does this while looking cute, must be at least paragon tier. Also, seeing a little girl correct Orem when he’s wrong about anything would be really hilarious.

  17. June 14, 2012 at 7:50 pm — Reply

    Titanius Anglesmith, Fancy Man of Cornwood.

  18. Alexander D.
    June 14, 2012 at 10:59 pm — Reply

    In any other situation, I would suggest Smith. But knowing what happened Smith came back I would not want Torq goin’ nutso again.

    So I would have to suggest bringing on the ever-so-lovely “Queen’s Rebellious Daughter.”

    • Slappy
      June 15, 2012 at 5:37 am — Reply

      It woould be fun to see Rob play schizo.

      • June 15, 2012 at 8:28 am — Reply

        You mean he hasn’t been doing that already?

        • June 15, 2012 at 9:06 pm — Reply

          First, no I don’t, and no I won’t.

          Second (or third, but who’s keeping track?) “schizo” is a common tabletop term for on player playing multiple characters at once in a single session.

    • Locknestra
      June 17, 2012 at 9:15 am — Reply

      I second “Queen’s Rebellious Daughter”!

      • Aspiring Spambot
        June 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm — Reply

        Indeed. When all else fails, I’d have to go with the guest star that wouldn’t require any legal red tape to introduce.

        Failing that, I recommend they have a contest where players submit their own character concepts (with or without accompanying stat blocks) to guest star in an episode/session.

        As for crossovers? I agree with the idea of a Critical Hit/Acquisitions Inc. teamup, just because both groups are awesome and I have a feeling that Wizards would be really open to it.

  19. Acrimonious
    June 15, 2012 at 12:19 am — Reply


  20. randoom42
    June 15, 2012 at 1:11 am — Reply

    Team Rockets Meowth.

  21. sliksham
    June 15, 2012 at 1:24 am — Reply

    Not a fictional character per se but I agree that a Bard would be a great addition to the group and nothing would fit in better with the way the party works, imho, than a bit of George Formby (not the grill guy :) )

  22. Trey
    June 15, 2012 at 10:27 am — Reply

    I’m thinking Snake Eyes. Since he won’t talk over any of you and will kill everything that needs it. Plus he has Thievery.

  23. June 15, 2012 at 10:44 am — Reply

    I would say Deadpool, but Matthew already has the constant references and forth wall breaking niche covered.

    So instead lets go with Kyle Rayner. With his good attitude, sense of humor, and gallons upon gallons of creativity; I legitimately think Kyle would be a great person to play D&D with.

    • June 15, 2012 at 11:11 am — Reply

      Ever since DC did the Pulp Heroes annuals one year and the GL annual had Kyle pulled into a fantasy painting (where he lived for some time, yet when he emerged only seconds had passed in the real world), I’ve always imagined he’d be really picky about making his character build “realistic” to a higher degree than most would.

  24. June 15, 2012 at 6:16 pm — Reply


    • dp8351
      June 15, 2012 at 9:46 pm — Reply

      Isn’t Poke -always- the answer?

    • Aspiring Spambot
      June 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm — Reply

      No. Poke is an agent of Asmodeus and therefore must be the ultimate villain of this story arc.

  25. ben klein
    June 15, 2012 at 9:59 pm — Reply

    a rogue/thief melee striker would help torq out alot as if he already needs it more back staby also

  26. Zachariah
    June 15, 2012 at 11:17 pm — Reply

    I think the team would have a second lady. And with how much experience the team already has with weird, creepy things, I think she would have more knowledge from studying evil than adventuring to fight it. A rookie learning from her elders. Someone similar to Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

  27. BleedBlue
    June 16, 2012 at 3:20 am — Reply

    Codex (Felicia Day) from “The Guild.”

    Felicia is smart and hilarious, she’d make a perfect addition to the table.

    Codex is a cleric, so she could provide extra damage and buffs while helping Randus with the increased workload of trying to keep 6 people healed!

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