Or – “I Didn’t Want Those Stoopid Grapes, Anyway!”
During a recent issue of the Major Spoilers Podcast, Stephen, Rodrigo and myself had a discussion about big comic conventions and the pros and cons (heh) of attending. The conversation turned to my thoughts on the sheer enormousness of San Diego Comicon, and the conclusion that it is probably not for me.
Shall I list the reasons why?
Well, I don’t see whyyyyyyyy… NOT.
10.) I Heard Famous People Are All Phonies!
If you’ve been following Major Spoilers on the Twitter (@majorspoilers), you’ve been hearing all the updates and bulletins as they happen… My particular Twitter feed is ablaze with news from the likes of Gail Simone, Kevin Smith, Seth Green and the lovely Felicia Day talking about the events of the day and the endless San Diego Comicon festivities. Now, I ask you: Who really wants to spend their day interacting with the creators of the things we endlessly obsess over every day? There’s far too much incorrect internet grammar to snarkily point out! (And what’s more, ‘snarkily’ ISN’T EVEN A WORD!)
9.) Nobody Really NEEDS This Stuff!
Among the announcements to come out of San Diego thus far include the official debut of a massive Legion of Super-Heroes box set that Stephen heard about months ago, new video games, toys, collectibles and even a little love for fans of Warehouse 13. Sure, it’s all cool, entertaining, awesomely shiny stuff, and actual SDCC attendees even get free swag while in attendance, does anyone really NEED it? Sure, it might be cool at first, but Charlie Bucket probably hated all that candy after a while.
8.) I Don’t Have Room For More Things In The Nerd Room!
Given that the Comicon was originally about collectors meeting to buy, sell and trade their stuff, we also have to ask the inevitable question: If I were to go and fill my ‘Hello, Kitty’ backpack with books, toys, comics and autographs of Wil Wheaton, where am I going to keep it all? I’d have to clean and reorganize my collection, which could lead to a shortbox-alanche, crushing my spleen and leaving me played by Pee-Wee Herman and sufffering from peritonitis, gingivitis and rickets! And then who’d be laughing, David Boreanaz? WHO???
7.) I’ll Learn It All Eventually, Anyway!
“But, Matthew,” you might be saying to yourself, which is an odd thing to say unless you’re named Matthew (although it is a quite common name, now that I consider it), “what about the reveals, the debuts, the official announcements of all the cool stuff to come in the near future? Don’t you want to know what Marvel, Capcom, Universal Studios and such have up their collective sleeves?” Maybe I do and maybe I don’t, but given enough time, I’ll hear about them. I mean, I found out that the Red Hulk is really Betsy Ross, and that the Fox network is reviving that ‘Family Man’ cartoon, and even that Beyonce had one of the greatest music videos in history… IN HISTORY, MAN! If I keep my ear to the ground, eventually it all trickles down to me here in Central Kansas. (Did you know that Natalie Postman made a baby outta dreadlocks?)
6.) Who Would Want Chocolate In Their Peanut Butter?
“And another thing,” you say to me theoretically in my head, “SDCC is a great time to find out about exciting new projects and collaborations, combinations of creators and properties and stuff that even YOU have to care about, right? Spock and Matter-Eater Lad could sit down over coffee!!!” Oh, sure imaginary-reader-voice-in-my-head, that’s all true and stuff, but change is inherently bad! That would be like taking a popular franchise from an independent comic book and having Bravo turn it into an ongoing series, or having new blood save the Batman franchise from the long and benippled shadow of Joel Schumacher! Next you’ll be telling me that they’ll revamp Superman! It’s madness!
5.) All That Walking Is Practically Exercise!
4.) Those Poor Young Things Could Get Sunburned!
Oh, but what about the costume contests? What about the people who hand-craft movie-accurate Iron Man armor, or a sew a perfect Chun-Li costume, or hand-feather their Hawkgirl wings? And of course, many of these cosplayers are quite well-proportioned, providing onlookers with lovely glimpses of the human anatomy, both male and female. What about that, you ask? Well, I don’t know about y’all, but I’ve been to San Diego, and there isn’t enough SPF-30 in the world to keep you safe from ultraviolet rays if you’re queued up in the street dressed as The Silk Spectre for seven and a half hours! Sure, I may not be getting my picture taken with a sexy Pikachu, a naughty Peter Venkman or a Jon Stewart with killer Green Lantern abs, but none of my moles have irregular borders, either! So, there!
3.) There’s Some Sort Of Fault Line Out There!
2.) Who Wants To Talk To People With The Same Interests?
In my day job, I work with people who wouldn’t know Bouncing Boy from Boy George, or differentiate Ashley Williams (housewares) from Ashley Williams (star of ‘Good Morning, Miami.) I get to do the service of introducing people to the wonders of the Legion of Super-Heroes, and I can explain how, while there have been many ‘Sixth Ranger’ figures dating back to Tommy Oliver as the Mighty Morphin’ Green Ranger back in 93 or so, only the Titanium Ranger doesn’t have a Japanese counterpart. I’m an ambassador of our shared hobby in a new world, and just because nobody is listening doesn’t mean that they can’t hear me…
1.) I’m Fine In The Hundred-And-Seven-Degree Heat!
Sure, my Chrysler threw the air conditioning belt, and sitting in an unventilated sedan, on leather seats, during a Kansas summer has had me ending up with the strange smell of cooking fat guy (oddly pleasant, sort of a smoky bacon with tinges of pork) wafting through the air. By contrast, San Diego tomorrow will be partly cloudy, 79 degrees, which will prove nothing about the strength or intestinal fortitude of the SDCC attendees, and they will not gain self-respect like that time the Queen had to fight the crazy dog with only a brick in her handbag… It’s a true shame.
Really, there is almost no reason to go to SDCC, unless you really want to, y’know, see people or have fun or meet your favorite creators and such. I mean, honestly, who wants to do that kind of thing?