About Author

Stephen Schleicher began his career writing for the Digital Media Online community of sites, including Digital Producer and Creative Mac covering all aspects of the digital content creation industry. He then moved on to consumer technology, and began the Coolness Roundup podcast. A writing fool, Stephen has freelanced for Sci-Fi Channel's Technology Blog, and Gizmodo. Still longing for the good ol' days, Stephen launched Major Spoilers in July 2006, because he is a glutton for punishment. You can follow him on Twitter @MajorSpoilers and tell him your darkest secrets...


  1. Wait a minute. You can’t compare Link to Mario. That’s like comparing Martian Manhunter to Ambush Bug.

  2. litanyofthieves on

    I think you skewed the results by saying “If you were a pretty pretty princess” beforehand. I know that the majority of the site’s readership sits around all day, dreaming of gender swapping in order to be rescued by their favorite hero, but if we were pretty pretty princesses, aren’t the results going to skew in favor of our realistically-proportioned, handsome, less likely to smell of a sewer Hero of Hyrule? Whereas, say this were a knock-down, drag-out fight, it might do a little bit differently?
    Then again, who’s to say that our Princesses prefer looks to a solid performance economically? Let’s face it, plumbers will never run out of business(pun intended)so Mario is a pretty solid bet financially. What practical experience does Link have on his resume? “Landscaping”? “Wandering Heroic Teenager”? Plus, isn’t he even back to being a young boy in continuity? How would you feel if your sexy, handsome rescuer suddenly turned into a cute 12-year-old just about to hit puberty? “It was for the good of Hyrule, honey, I swear. Now could you give me an advance on my allowance? I wanna buy an ocarina…”

    I’m overthinking this, aren’t I?

    • Clear out cache and cookies. I think the problem everyone is having with the poll voting is that about 10 polls were deleted when we lost the site last month, yet readers still have the cookies for those polls on their system. Since all new polls since the return are using the same numbers, I believe that is where the problem lies.

      It is either that, or you are voting in the main page versus the sidebar, or vice versa.

  3. Well, assuming they will be rescuing me in their own world from their own set of baddies. I chose Mario; less chance of being injured, used as a puppet, or being in actual mortal danger. Plus it would be funnier.

  4. A 10 year old pointy eared brat or a creepy deformed plumber with a pornstache… is remaining single a choice?

  5. Link, at least his head is in proportion to his body. They both have buttloads of money from collecting all those coins and rupees, so in the end it’s got to come down to looks.
    God I never thought I’d be thinking so hard about the looks of two male video game characters…

  6. It’s gotta be Mario. I would beat Link to death if he kept repeating “excuuuuuuuse me, princess”.

  7. Link. Two reasons.

    A) Each Legend of Zelda was a different Zelda and Link with a Battlestar Galactica “All this has happened before, and all of it will happen again” vibe. It took Mario eight tries in the first game before finding the right person to rescue.
    B) In real life: Mario = Ron Jeremy. Luigi = John Holmes. Where does that leave Peach? Jenna Jameson? At least with Orlando Bloom as Link, Zelda has a shot at being Eva Green.

  8. Well, I’ve never managed to beat a Mario game, but I have beaten a Zelda game, so I went with Link. I never considered the economic implications of a plumbers overtime and almost regretted my vote before getting to the Mario=Pornstache comments, and decided I voted correctly after all.

  9. How galling would it be to be rescued by a plumber of all things? Eww!

    Also, I question your assumption that we, the Major Spoilerites, are not in fact the prettiest of pretty princesses.

  10. I went with Link because if I’m going to be saved by someone I’d rather it be someone who can handle a sword instead of a fat guy with a porn star mustache.

  11. Had to go with Mario, and not just to recognize one of my Italian brethren. Mario’s the kind of guy that’s good to have around just in case. He’s versatile. Just look at his skill set: botany (with an emphasis on fungi), track and field (particularly high jump), gymnastics (balance beam), and his vocational skills. Plus, as the co-owner of a successful plumbing business, he’s not after the princess for her money.

    Not to mention the fact that, even with the gloves and hat, he’s way more manly than that tween dream, Link.

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