Stacy B’s Wild Theories: Part 1

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Fantastic Four 372 1.jpgWhat if the Skrulls invading the 616 Universe where not 616 Skrulls but 6160 Skrulls?

Hey, everyone! Stacy B. here, and over the last couple of months I’ve been pouring over every Marvel issue hoping to unlock the secret of the Skrull Invasion. We’ve already seen the various Marvel Universes cross over (as chronicled in Ultimate Fantastic Four and Marvel Zombies), but what if the merging of universes went beyond zombies who want to eat our brains? What if the Skrull invasion were actually coming from the 6160 universe?

Do I sound crazy? Well hang on to your little aluminum hat, because here we go!

The Skrulls of the 616 Marvel Universe (aka “Our” Marvel Universe) have been shown to be slightly less than capable of conquering the Earth in the past. Sure, their galactic empire contains nearly a thousand worlds, and they have technology which is light years ahead of our own, but we have things like bobble heads, GPS systems and Britney Spears! Oh yes, even the Skrulls fear the lunacy that is Britney! Anyway, the Skrulls have shown time and time again that they have been less than capable of conquering “our” Earth. As a matter of fact, in all of my research I was hard pressed to find any real alternate universe type examples of the Skrulls conquering Earth, either. The Badoon on the other hand, conquer the Earth several times.

Maybe the fact that the frag-thong is standard equipment for Badoon hordes has something to do with it.

The Skrulls are first shown attempting to infiltrate the Earth right about the time the Fantastic Four first gain their powers. For some reason, this seemed to be the deciding factor in their early attempts to conquer Earth. I can just hear the conversation at the Skrull Throneworld…

Scene 1, Act 1: Skrull Emperor enters thrown room.
AUDIENCE: Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
SKRULL EMPEROR: How goes the surveillance of Earth?
SKRULL LACKEY: I was just going to speak with you about that my Skrulliness! Several of the Earth-beings just gained fantastic powers! It looks like they might actually be worthy of conquering now!
SKRULL EMPEROR: So, they are no longer all just powerless weaklings who could have been conquered ages ago by squadrons of our young carrying pogo-sticks and potatoes? Excellent! Send out the troops!
AUDIENCE: Laughter and Applause

And scene…

Fantastic Four 002 1.jpg

With their initial “infiltration”, the Skrulls are soundly beaten and given a choice of destruction or living their lives out as cows. No, you did not read that wrong, as cows. Reed Richards, the super-genius known as Mr. Fantastic, froze a bunch of alien invaders in the form of cows. Not cows which have been sealed in some deep, underground government facility for study, but cows roaming free in a field, probably in Hoboken. Who where eventually slaughtered for food. Let me repeat that: WHO-WHERE-EVENTUALLY-SLAUGHTERED-FOR-FOOD! Talk about Mad Cow! That led to cases of Skrullovoria Induced Skrullophobia. I did not make that up, read the series The Skrull Kill Krew by Grant Morrison and Mark Millar.

Fantastic Fou 357 1.jpgWith the exception of a near moment of greatness during the Kree-Skrull War (notice it wasn’t the Kree-Skrull-Earth War) the Skrulls have been beaten back every time. Hell, you even have a documented case of a Skrull female, Lyja, falling in love with and marrying an Earthling, Johnny Storm, when she was supposed to be assisting in conquering the race! When the ability to shape-shift into anything you can imagine is beaten by blonde hair and blue eyes, you got to wonder about the right of a race to continue breathing! That, along with many other embarrassments (see Apox through Zirksu) tells me that we can only be facing invasion by Skrulls from another universe; the Marvel 6160 Universe.

To the average reader, it is known as the Ultimate Universe. Here, we have more up-to-date versions of your favorite characters in more real world setting. The heroes and villains tend to be grittier and more adult oriented, and the situations more ULTIMATE! (capitalization and exclamation point added for ULTIMATE! effect). A teenage kid trying to hitch a ride with a gamma-spawned monster in this universe would be crushed faster that you could say newuniversal! Their alien races also seem to be bigger and more dangerous.

For example, instead of Galactus being a giant guy roaming space wearing a big purple hat made to resemble a tuning fork, this universe sports a swarm of aliens that devour worlds called Gah Lak Tus. Nearly everything is bigger and meaner. By proxy, you would assume that this includes their other alien races, such as the Skrull! The Skrull have been introduced slightly in the Ultimate Fantastic Four series, and it is implied that the Chitauri of the Animated Ultimate Avengers are a branch of the Skrull.

Fantastic Four 002 3.jpgSo, what I see happening was this: A small group of Skrull scientists break through the dimensional barrier that separates our Marvel Universe and the Ultimate Marvel Universe. When the 616 Skrulls arrive, the ULTIMATE! Skrulls are completely embarrassed for them (they really get a laugh out of the whole cow deal.) After they snap the little green neck of these pathetic, purple footed-pajama wearing, nancy-boys (remember, they aren’t ULTIMATE! Skrulls) they begin to slowly seed out their own hardier breed of ULTIMATE! Skrull into the otherwise pitiful population. One of their first orders of business is to rectify the mistakes they made in the past.

The Skrullverine incident a few years back caused quite a bit of embarrassment, so they not only replace the real Wolverine with a new ULTIMATE! Skrull version, but they do it several times over. While this explains to us why we have Wolverine in every book that needs a sale boost, it also makes him look like the hardest working mutant in the 616 Universe. Little does the general population know, but the real Wolverine is chugging shots off the belly of a native girl on a nude beach off the coast of Krakatoa.

Instead of trying to replace all the super-powered people that might fight against them, they decide to replace politicians and make laws that force the law-biding to register all their information. This makes them easier to find and control later, don’t you know!

But what about all the mutants who have been working under the radar of polite society for years? No problem, they have a solution for this! They summon the ULTIMATE! Skrull child psychologist, kind of a green Dr. Phil, to talk with the Scarlet Witch until she destroys her father’s dreams and expectations for the race, just to get him to shut-up. If this also opens up a chance to replace another bunch of people, more the better. If anyone should find out that the Skrulls are attempting an actual invasion, they will assume that they are of the purple pajama variety and take their time over-studying the evidence that lead them there in the first place.

What about the physical differences and limitations of the average 616 Skrull? The fact that the ULTIMATE! Skrulls are from the ULTIMATE! universe automatically makes them tougher, more resistant to magic, and snazzier dressers! I mean come on, can you see somebody like Paibok wearing the threads that Black Bolt/Skrull was wearing? Even the quick glimpses we get of a Thor/Skrull and a Colossus/Skrull is much more of a ULTIMATE! Universe style that a traditional Marvel Universe style.

You can even take it a few steps further, and say that not only are the 6160 Skrulls invading the 616 Universe, but that they have pretty much already invaded their own Earth. All you have to do is look at the current ULTIMATES V.3 series and you can see that it is a training ground for young ULTIMATE! Skrull agents being sent to invade the 616. How else can you explain such a proliferation of 616 inspired uniforms and team configurations? I mean, it has got to be an ULTIMATE! Skrull training center, not just the product of poorly thought out character designs and plot points? Right?

Right?

CUE SFX: Crickets chirping.